As the very long title suggests, this post is again a slightly more serious one (tho no, I didn't really get anything productive done before bed last night).
I had a moment, or rather an hour, this afternoon where I was prompted to think about this issue (the one in the title). - And why is it, that I always have the most pressing and deep thoughts come to me in the middle of a really complicated lecture ? - I really couldn't concentrate on endocytosis this afternoon from 2 til 3, although I desperately tried ! Anyway, back to the point, again...I spose I hadn't been having a good day really. I'm terrible in the lab (or so I felt today). I keep knocking things over, and forgetting really little embarrassing things. (I don't know whether I'm cut out for a PhD really - especially given my newly discovered talent for making protein and DNA disappear !) I really am so not confident at all, and just keep wanting to look to David (who's supervising me) for everything, despite his best attempts to get me to think for myself !
But that doesn't just apply to the lab though. In all things, even when I may seem really confident, and like I know what I'm doing, I'm not at all ! (This is especially obvious when I'm required to take a lead in things, like in the lab, or worship leading, or organising events etc.) It's just SO frustrating, because I know that if I really understood, in my heart not just in my head, how much God really does love me and care for me and watch over me, that I wouldn't need to be that way. I so long to be a person who is full of confidence: not because of who I am and what I can do, but because of who God is and what He can do !! I suppose that is what being humble is all about, learning to see myself as God sees me, not as any more than I am but also importantly not as any less either. I think that this is one of my biggest struggles in life, and certainly it is at the moment. However, I can see that this is probably going to be a long journey which God's going to take me on, and unfortunately isn't something which is going to happen overnight, much as I'd like it to.
"If we could see how much You're worth; Your power, Your might, Your endless love, then surely we would never cease to praise ?!"
(From a song by the worship leader Matt Redman)
Anyway, as you can see, I do have deep thoughts sometimes, rather than just thinking about metaphorical holes :-) I'm slightly concerned about how much I've posted already, even though I have now had this blog for only 4 days !! So much happens when you're at uni in such a short space of time that it feels like, even with all this posting, my blog isn't really and accurately keeping up with my thought processes. Anyway, I'd better really go...and btw I'm sorry if this blog is getting too deep for some people (I'm just being honest about where I am at this moment). I will try to keep interspersing serious posts with more light hearted ones though :-) (I've just had a suggestion that I should write some jokes on my blog. Maybe I will start that up at some point ?)
p.s. disappointingly the snow didn't stick last night. So it wasn't white on the ground this morning, despite the amount that seemed to fall last night !!
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