Great Expectations

I’ve been thinking lately (dangerous, I know ;) about expectations, and what it means to live life as an expectant person. 

I have heard many times, that we should live full of expectancy.  There are many examples, such as the fact that in life in general we should go into our day, not with resignation that it’s just another day to survive through, but that each new day is an opportunity to grow, to walk with God, and to see Him do amazing things; if only we’re on the lookout for it.  Also, it is often said that we should come to church with expectant hearts for what God is going to do – not coming because it’s “just another service, and it’s what I do on a Sunday”. 

This is backed up by many places in the Bible that talk about expectancy.  For example James1:5-8:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord."

or Luke11:9-13

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Now, I know that I should be expectant in theory, but what does it look like in practise?  In reality, sticking with the example of a church service, I can often come on a Sunday morning either in a place of discouragement, just coming on autopilot a bit, or in a place where I’m so excited about what God’s doing.  (And often places in between too, but let’s stick to looking at the 2 extremes for now.)  You’d think that it’s when I come in excitement that that will be when I hear from God the most.  In fact, I often find it to be quite the opposite.  It’s often when I come expecting nothing, that I find God picks me up and encourages me, and then perhaps challenges me with something new, so I learn a lot!  In contrast, it’s often those times when I “think” I am coming with an expectant heart that I can leave feeling a bit disappointed, feeling like God hasn’t met those expectations.  So, what’s going on?

I think the key is that I only “think” I am coming with an expectant heart; I think that there is a difference between being expectant and expecting God to work in a certain way.  If I come to something with wrong expectations, then actually, perhaps it shouldn’t be all that surprising that I can feel disappointed if those expectations aren’t met!  If I have wrong expectations, actually perhaps that makes it harder for me to hear God, as all of my thoughts and plans get in the way, and He has to push through those first before I can hear.  The problem is that this is so subtle.  I don’t intentionally come to church with the wrong expectations, it’s just that in my need to plan things and know what is coming next, I don’t like stopping at just being expectant, but often my heart progresses to wondering what could happen – for example, if I’ve been excited about something lately, I could end up going expectant that I’ll hear some more on this subject, when in fact God may have something completely different that He wants to tell me today!

What particularly brought this home was something I was reading last week.  At breakfast-time each day I’m currently re-reading this amazing book called "Walking with God", by John Eldredge.  In the section I read that morning, it said:

“Our day-to-day grind isn’t anything close to Eden, and our hurting and desperate hearts look for something to which we can attach all those yearnings.  We’ll settle for a doughnut if that’s all there is to look forward to.  We have to be careful what we give our hearts over to.”

Now, that isn’t to say that using specific things to motivate ourselves is necessarily all bad in itself (i.e. I have an essay due in, I’ll look forward to the fact that if I work hard I can go out this evening…)  I think the problem comes when we lean on those things as the only thing that gets us through the day!  What then happens when those things get taken away from us and our hopes are dashed?  What do we do if for some reason I don’t have time to eat that doughnut after all or someone else eats it instead of me?  Or that friend can’t actually meet up with me in the end and has to cancel?  What then? 

What are we choosing to put our daily hope in?  The Bible also says that the Lord delights in those who put their hope in his unfailing love.  Other verses on this topic:

“But I trust in Your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me” (Psalm13:5, NLT)

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”  (Psalm143:8, NIV)

 “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  (Lamentations3:21-23)

And these aren't just fluffy thoughts, for when everything in life is going well.  If you read them in context, most of these Psalms were written by King David when he was in the midst of really hard situations!  It is a principle for both the good and the tough times.

There’s also this great hymn (“Solid Rock”), which has recently been revived by Hillsong (and entitled Cornerstone):

“My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I did not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name”

The conclusion that I’m slowly coming to, is that actually, what it comes down to, is that as we learn to stand more and more on God’s promises and what He says is true, as we align ourselves daily with who He says He is and who we therefore are, as we daily surrender our plans, hopes and dreams into His hands, and as we place our hopes solely in his unfailing and unchanging love, then we will be free to more and more be able to hear his heartbeat for our day, for a church service, just for everything in life; We will come with the right expectations!

And we will be able to choose to SEE.  Mary Beth Chapman (the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman) has written this incredible book, "Choosing to See", which talks really honestly about how her life really hasn’t gone in the direction she planned (she wanted a nice, organised, scheduled life, but instead ended up married to a Grammy-winning singer-songwriter with crazy touring schedules, and as the mum to 6 kids – one of whom is now in heaven, as of 2008).  But she takes us with her on her journey, of how she’s been learning to SEE what God is doing.  I think that’s so it – that we need to not be disappointed by what has or hasn’t happened (and we most definitely need to not let that put us off from continuing to be expectant!), but we instead need to choose to SEE what God IS doing, even when it doesn’t necessarily match up with what I would like Him to be doing.  Or we at least need to be willing to see.

I most definitely don’t have this sorted in my head or heart yet, (I am again thinking aloud), and I would definitely be interested in hearing what you think.  But for now, I’ll just finish with the words of another SCC song, Great Expectations:

“The morning finds me here at heaven's door

A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow
And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand
And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne
The one that God Himself is seated on

And I, I've been invited as a son
Oh I, I've been invited to come and ...

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable
And see beyond my wildest imagination
Lord, I come with great expectations.

So wake the hope that slumbers in my soul

Stir the fire inside and make it glow
I'm trusting in a love that has no end
The Saviour of this world has called me friend
And I, I've been invited with the Son
Oh I, I've been invited to come and ...

We've been invited with the Son

And we've been invited to come and ...

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable
And see beyond our wildest imagination
Lord, we come with great expectations” 

re:creation

As is the current theme at the moment, this morning I was reading something and it gave completely new life to a concept that I thought I understood, yet I find that I didn’t really at all.  (It is also pretty topical considering the baptisms at church this Saturday!)  This concept is recreation.  It’s the topic of SCC's latest album (I just couldn’t resist working some more of his songs into blog posts :) and more seriously, is actually something I have been thinking about lately. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 in the Bible says:

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”   

Now, this is considered a pretty crucial verse for Christians, yet it’s one that is so easy to skim past without realising the full implications: If we know Christ and are IN him, then we are a new creation; not just the old one redone a bit to make it look better, but a completely new creation!  How crazy is that?!

Now the Bible also says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.  This implies that our minds weren’t automatically renewed when we were made new; so although we ARE new, we can sometimes slip back into old patterns of thought, because our minds are still being renewed.  But, when we hold firm to the promises of God, this isn’t just positive thinking; we believe that these promises really are true, even though they don’t feel like it sometimes.  And I have a legitimate right to tell those old negative feelings, thoughts and fears to go away and leave me alone, because I am a new creation, and they no longer have a place in my life!  I just need to keep renewing my mind to be in line with that.

But even more exciting than this (if that were possible!) is that this isn’t the end of the story.  It isn’t just that we’ve been recreated, and are now free from so many things that held us in bondage, and that’s it.  Voila.  No.  This is only the start of the story.  We’re Only Getting Started.

In another part of the Bible it says:

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. “(Ephesians 2:10)

This is the NLT (New Living Translation) version of the Bible.  I have never really understood this verse; until last night/today.  Sometimes reading several different translations of the Bible helps me to get to the bottom of what a verse really means.  I tend to mostly read the NIV (New International Version), but in the NIV this verse can lose some of its meaning, as it merely says that “we are created in Christ to…”  I know the “in Christ” should probably have given me a clue, but I still missed the point.  The point isn’t that we were created merely so that we could do stuff.  No, I think it’s that we were RECREATED in order to then be set free to do the things that God has for us to do. 

Now, that may sound like just a lot of hard work, doing the things that God has for us to do, and I guess sometimes it may be.  But the truth is (or seems to be as I am starting to re-understand it anyway!) that God has good plans for us.  He has gifted each of us with things, and put us in places where he has “good works” that only we can do (through him of course).  Another SCC song on his re:creation album says:

“You were meant to be touching the lives that you touch,

And meant to be here making this world so much more
Than it would be, without you in it.

You were meant to be bringing the gifts that you bring,

And singing the songs you’ve been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be,
You were meant to be.”

Wow!  Clearly the line about singing songs particularly speaks to me :)  The problem comes though, that there is so much stuff in our lives that can prevent us from becoming all of this.  (The Bible would call a lot of it sin, and uses some quite strong imagery to speak about how this sin holds us in slavery).  The good news, is that through what Jesus did we can be created anew, and set free from all the rubbish that holds us back.  Then, as we are free to walk where he wants us to go, we can then be all that he has for us to be and do all that he purposed for us to do, which is a good thing! 

And this very much relates back to my earlier post about the Great Adventure too, and how, being where God is and where he wants us to be is actually the best place to be (and does not involve us just “trying harder”.)  Yes, it may often be scary (as I’m also discovering), as he takes us places that may be out of our “comfort zones”, but I also just don’t want to live my life any other way; I want to be where he is!  And I really want to continue to learn about who I now really am - this new creation, who doesn’t have to be weighted down by fears and failings anymore (a bit of a novel feeling really!) - and continue to learn how to live in light of that. 

Please know that I’m not saying any of this with the intention to “preach” at anyone; I am merely thinking out loud.  Writing helps me to process things and, although I know we are all at different places, in making this public on a blog my hope is that it might give you some things to think about too. 

“Sing with elation, praise every morning, God’s recreation of the new day.”   
- From the song Morning Has Broken

(p.s. aren’t you impressed with how I managed to work 3 SCC songs AND an album title into 1 blog post!  Ok, 1 of them was only sort-of an SCC song.  Still, I wonder how many I’ll manage to fit in next time :-)

The Great Adventure

So, last night was the night I finally went to see Steven Curtis Chapman live in concert at the Hammersmith Apollo.  I had been excited about this for months as I have loved SCC’s music for years and have always wanted to see him live, but this is the first time that I’ve had the chance to see him live in the UK! 

The evening didn’t disappoint; in fact, it was so much more amazing than I could have imagined.  SCC and Michael W Smith (who he was touring with) are both phenomenal musicians.  I was singing along to every SCC song and there were just so many amazing moments that one blog post could not do it justice.  So, rather than trying to summarise the evening, I’m instead going to focus on one key thought that struck me afresh yesterday.

Yesterday morning at church, Tim had been speaking about how we need to be people who are constantly pushing forward, and how the moments we sit back are the times when we in fact get dragged backwards.  (Have a listen !)

Now, this is a concept that I’ve been struggling with this week (which is why yesterday was interesting timing!)  If I’m honest, I don’t like the concept of always pushing onwards.  My reaction is: “yes, but what about being content?  Enjoying what God has given to us?”  I can also feel like I’ve already had quite enough of challenges and I’d quite like to stay where I am for a while, to rest and recoup a while before the next thing please! 

But, yesterday afternoon I realised the problem: it isn’t with the concept, but with my way of thinking.  My problem is that I equate pushing forward with striving harder.  I constantly put such pressure on myself to be a better person: to work harder, to please this and that person, to be a better friend, the list goes on…But, although there is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these things in themselves (friends are amazing, and of course I want to do well at my work...), me constantly striving harder just ends up leaving me feeling exhausted and is what leaves me feeling like I’ve had enough.

Yet, that isn’t what the Bible says at all.  The Bible doesn’t say: “work harder and you’ll gain eternal life!”  In fact, it says that no matter how hard we try we can never be good enough.  When we just keep trying harder, we will always feel far from the standards set by ourselves, by society and by a perfect God.  We will never fulfil them on our own!  But what is amazing, is that the Bible says that Jesus IS life, and we just have to change our way of thinking and come to Him!  It's about Him, not us!  Now, this is something I “know”, but I think that often I nevertheless continue to live as if it all depends on me!

Now, getting back to SCC, I was struck particularly by 2 of his songs last night – songs that I know inside out, and yet I saw new things in them that I hadn’t seen before.

In For the sake of the call he writes:

“Empty nets lying there at the water’s edge
Told a story that few could believe and none could explain
How some crazy fishermen agreed to go where Jesus led
With no thought for what they would gain
For Jesus had called them by name and they answered”

“Drawn like the rivers are drawn to the sea
No turning back, for the water cannot help but flow
Once we hear the Saviour's call we'll follow wherever he leads
Because of the love He has shown
And because he has called us to go we will answer”

“Not for the sake of a creed or a cause
Not for a dream or a promise
Simply because it is Jesus who calls
And if we believe we'll obey”

Now, rivers don’t say “well, I just don’t feel like flowing today” and they certainly don’t have to strive harder to flow, they just do, it’s the way of things and they can’t help it. 

In The great adventure (one of SCC's best known songs) it says:

“I saw a big frontier in front of me and I heard somebody say "let's go"!

Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze
Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace
Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other - this is The Great Adventure”

The song isn’t called “The Great Slog”, but “The Great Adventure”, and the key to this adventure is following our leader, Jesus!  Pushing forward doesn’t mean trying harder and exhausting ourselves, but simply following wherever Jesus goes, and being where He wants us to be; because we love Him and want to be where He is and because He loves us, has a plan, and He knows the best place for us to be (even if His ways may often seem strange to us at the time!)  Jesus Himself said that He only did what He saw His father doing, (rather than running off here, there and everywhere trying to make things work as he saw best!) 

It also ties in with this passage that we were looking at recently on a course that I am doing:
"2 The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice." John10:2-4

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that this means that we will be challenged, and that hard work will often be involved.  But, it's about where the motivation is coming from; knowing that we just have to follow Jesus takes the pressure off ourselves, and we know that we don’t have to dread life, but we should instead be excited about it, and about where God is going!  All we have to do, is to work out what this looks like for each of us in practise – learning to trust in Him and follow Him.  After all, this is the Great Adventure!

p.s. have you spotted the themes with the recent post titles lately ;-)

"Living Without Religion", a ramblers humble opinion.

I take the title from a series of short articles that I read today during my procrastination break (that is, a short break from work during which I procrastinated, not, a break from procrastination !) and which got me thinking: "The late Nicolas Walter gave five radio talks in the "Words of Faith" series on the BBC World Service in 1996. Each programme took up one theme, relating humanism to: Living, Thinking, Feeling, Science, Weeping and Laughter
The transcripts are reproduced here."

It's worth a read, as it's definitely thought provoking. I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain this really well, but basically what comes across to me most, is that this guy appears not to quite grasp what Christianity is all about. In the transcripts he talks about "living well", about love, and emotions, and thinking, and about the complexity and potential of human beings. All good things really by my book. In fact, I would probably go so far to say that I agree with most of the things that he says ! Using Christianity as an example of a 'religion' where one has faith in a 'supernatural being', I would say that a lot of people have this image of Christianity being outdated (now that we can explain everything using science of course - which as a scientist I beg to differ with anyway), about following a set of moral rules and guidelines, having an irrational belief in a supernatural God who one leans on as a crutch when one can't cope with life, and as a way out of thinking rationally about the world. This is so far from the truth !!! I would call myself a Christian, although very very far from being a perfect one, but I would say that to me my faith is: very relevant, about far more than just moral guidelines, about having a very rational belief in a God who loves me with an everlasting love that is deep and outworked and a God who promises He will walk beside me through all of life's difficult circumstances, and allows me to think about things in this world very deeply. This contradiction between widely held perception and what I have experienced to be true in my life shouldn't surprise me really, considering what it says in Corinthians (Message version): "The Message that points to Christ on the cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written, I'll turn conventional wisdom on it's head, I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots." 1 Cor 18-19

The things he says, to me mix up things that I believe to be true about the world, while missing out some of the crucial bits (all the bits where God's involved) at the same time - a most dangerous combination.

A good example of this can be found in the following: I looked up humanist on Wikipedia, to get a better understanding of what they actually believe, and this quote particularly struck me: "The focus is on doing good and living well in the here and now, and leaving the world a better place for those who come after." Do they therefore think that Christians don't also want to do this ? Ultimately, we all live out our lives on the same earth, and don't most of us want to have a good influence on the world around us ? I suppose the crucial difference is whether we rely on ourselves, and striving to fulfil our innate potential in our own strength to carry out this goal, or whether we look to God, discovering the talents and potential He has given each of us, whilst also looking to His strength and seeking to play out our part in His good plan.

Going back to the humanist transcripts I quoted at the beginning of this, two other quotes in particular struck me, which I shall leave you with...

1) "But science is always on the move. We have tasted the fruit of the tree of knowledge, our eyes are opened, and there is no going back."

- for someone seeking to live life without religion, he sure quotes from the Bible a lot !


2) "Favourite children's stories end happily ever after, but great adult novels hardly ever end happily. Just as our rational minds tell us that the world is not a perfect place, so our emotional minds want the imperfect world to be reflected in our art."

- I disagree with this statement entirely. Just because our experience on earth tells us that things do not always have "happy endings" should we therefore bring our art, and the things we meditate on and fill our minds with down to the level of our experience ? This relates somewhat to a recent post on the Woodies Worship Leaders blog . At those times where I see, hear of or experience those things which bring pain, hardship, confusion, my heart cries out within me that there must be more than this. That there is surely hope to be found despite the pain; there is joy despite the sorrow and mourning, there can be clarity in the midst of confusion...and that this doesn't just refer to the new heaven and new earth of which the book of Revelation speaks, where "He will wipe every tear from their eyes" and "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain" (Revelation 21:4) but can also be partially true in the here and now, as, because of Jesus, we seek to more and more live out our lives now as God intended.

This has been a slightly more weighty post that any I have written recently. Apologies for any incoherent ramblings - it's late and I'm getting more and more tired, but I just wanted to try to pen some of this down before the busyness of tomorrow makes me forget it all ! A true rambling from one who is good at rambling :-)

Well here we go !

I can't believe we're actually going tomorrow. There's been so much preparation going on this last week, but we're finally leaving early tomorrow morning. This week has been interesting -both last placements and lots of goodbyes at the same time as preparations for Romania. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that I'm no longer a year teamer. I'm focusing on next week first really, which I guess is a good thing otherwise I might be even sadder than I am. But I am excited about this trip now. We've met most of the team we're going with twice now. They all seem great and it's going to be good getting to know them better. In a way it feels like this is now the chance to see if we can put into action all that we've been learning this year; can we do in big team what we've been doing in small team all year. It's amazing to be so supported in prayer too. There are so many people who have said they'll be praying for me and who have prayed for me, and I appreciate it so much ! Without God being at work, what would be the point of this trip and camp ?!

Anyway, I should stop rambling now. I finished packing a while ago but I need to go get something to eat and then have an early night, in preparation for a long day of travelling tomorrow.

I won't be able to be contacted for the next 9 days now (from tomorrow) as I shouldn't think we'll have any internet access and mobile phone coverage might be sketchy. But I will post again once I'm back to let you all know how the trip went. In the meanwhile, have a good 9 days everyone !!! Continued prayers while we are away are much appreciated.

Switchfoot rock !!!

Last night was amazing !!! Can't really be described in words, but I will try and share a bit of what happened last night. (If you don't know much of their stuff, then I would really recommend checking them out. Go to their website or their myspace).

I'd never really been to such a big gig before (although I've long wanted to). The venue was big, but we stood somewhere in the middle, so had plenty of room. The atmosphere was amazing, and the lighting awesome - just added to what the band was playing, as lighting should really. The support band, Superhero, wasn't bad (tho I liked some songs better than others and unfortunately couldn't really hear the lyrics), then there was a brief talky bit about God stuff, followed by Switchfoot !!! The switchfoot guys are so amazing, all seem such nice guys and great musicians. I haven't been to such a big gig before, but I always love going to gigs by Christian musicians as it always ends up being a bit of a cross between a rock concert and a worship special (for me anyway - might not be the same for everyone). I just really wanted to let go into the music and be open to what God wanted to say through the music.

In between bobbing up and down, I was reminded of quite a lot last night. Although at a gig the focus is usually on the band, my focus last night wasn't. It was past the band. I love Switchfoot's songs. They're so honest about the struggles they face and crying out to God in that, and so many of the songs I identify so much with. I was reminded of why I started to love their music so much in the first place - many of their songs have had a profound impact on me since last summer. In fact, I'd even go so far as to saying one or two of their songs were what helped me when trying to make a final decision about whether to do year team or not. In particular the song "This is your life" (Chorus: "This is your life, are you who you want to be?") and "I dare you to Move".

As well as being reminded of things past, I was also struck afresh by new things. The lyrics in the bridge of "on fire" really resonated with me last night: "I'm standing on the edge of me, I'm standing on the edge of everything I've ever been before". I do feel like that at the moment. This whole year, but especially through the mullers theology course I feel like, the best way I can describe it is as if I've been climbing up a mountain, and I've just reached a peak and am standing looking as a whole vast expanse opens up before me. The question is though, where do I go from here? Into the valleys ? I was also struck by the lyrics in another song, "Where you gonna go? where you gonna go? Salvation is HERE" Just how, actually, as well as the context of God being in that place last night there's also the whole: 'where else could I go that where I am now, because where else is salvation found but in Jesus ?' I can lose sight of that so easily. Reminded of that Bible passage, John6:60-71, where after many disciples desert Jesus because His teachings are too hard Jesus asks Peter whether He wants to leave too, but Peter replies: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life".

Anyway, that's a 'brief' glimpse into the way I tend to think deeply about things, especially music ! I hope it might have helped others too, not just been a personal and very cryptic ramble. Last night was rather a trek/adventure in terms of getting to Swansea and back, and a very late night, but worth every minute of sleep I lost !!! (Was also interesting trying to decipher the American and thick Welsh accents we encountered last night - no offence to Americans or Welsh intended.) I was rather on a high last night, but - you know when you do something late at night you can wake up the next morning wondering if it was just a dream ? - I woke up wondering if last night was a dream. But I still had songs going round in my head, I had photographic evidence we'd been there too. It's difficult, when you have these highs to know quite how to come down gracefully. Because, though we might want to, it's not possible to live everyday quite like that. (I'm sure those of you who have been to things like Soul Survivor can identify here?) Although, it was good to have something which took me out of the ordinary and gave me fresh perspective for a while, how do I now hold onto that still, even when the memory of the gig fades ?

To continue on the theme of the North Wind...

I think that last post must have been pre-empting (if that's how you spell it) my return to Bristol ! It's been so wet and windy...today especially. Living as high up as I do at the moment, means the sound of the whistling wind is amplified, and with windows like skylights, at the moment it sounds a bit like someone has a chainsaw going just outside my window ! Means it's a bit chilly too in the communal areas as the wind whips through the vents !

But no matter. Wind just makes living here fun. I've been back in Bristol about a week and a half. It has been very mixed. As per usual, hard being back but good to see people. Had fun at the weekend as (among various things) on saturday the year team was helping to look after all the kids for a Henleaze Leaders' morning. Very fun, but also very tiring - I was helping with the 3-7s. They have a lot of energy ! (At the end of the morning we were trying to wrack our brains for all the "who can stand really still and quietly" games we could think of) :-) Also on sunday saw a friend who I haven't seen since about last May but who was in Bristol for the afternoon. Was good to have a long chat.

There have also been cold-type things going round the flats. I can't feel too sorry for myself as most of us have gone down with something or other, but I think most of us are on the mend. Just not what you really want to come back to in a new term - yesterday was the first time I've had to take time off from one of my placements due to illness. Due to not feeling amazing this week, I have been investing a fair bit of time in watching dvds on my laptop from bed. On tuesday evening I just finished Narnia (which I was watching in installments). Although I don't really like their portrayal of Aslan (but then again, how would they ever capture Aslan how he should be ?) on the whole I think the film is really well done. Somehow, a film can often bring out things which you didn't notice from reading the book. Primarily from the film I get the senses of how fast things happen, how scared they were (you always think an adventure is exciting until you're in one), how they'd been just sent away from one war only to join in another one. But another sense, is when Edmund meets the White Witch for the first time. She says to him that he's just the kind of boy who could be king of Narnia, and makes a load of promises to him (which she obviously doesn't keep). But it just strikes me that what she offers him is actually what he will actually become anyway through Aslan. Moving the analogy aside, isn't that so often true in real life ? That the things we get tempted by most are just shadows of what we can actually already have access to through Jesus (Aslan) ?

Anyway...enough of rambling...am feeling a little better today so am going to try and catch up with some things and do what I should be doing on a thursday. Didn't that post just feel like a Simpson's episode ? - where it starts with one thing and ends with something completely different, which you know must have been connected somehow in a weird kind of way ? And with that thought... :-D

Carols and other things...

It's not until you start (or rather try to finish) writing Christmas cards that you realise actually how widespread all over the country you now have friends (trying to find addresses for them is interesting). I knew I had a few good friends who weren't in Bristol any longer but I don't think it had hit me quite how many ! I'm so grateful to those friends I have still in Bristol and so grateful to have met so many new people this term...but a term still can't account for having known people, even for 3 years.

And yesterday has left me in a bit of a strange mood really. On one hand, I enjoyed the day so much ! The family service in the morning was amazing, and I felt very privilidged to be able to play Keyboard in the worship band with people who I'd not played with before. Then the carol service was amazing too. I loved having the privilidge of being in the choir (Jonathan James is such an amazing musician) and enjoyed singing. The church also looked SO beautiful with all the candles and lights...was so exciting as it was my first year I've been in Woodies for their carol service. But at the same time, it made me feel so homesick - that this IS the first year I've been in Bristol so late. (Amazing how you can be surrounded by SO many people, including a fair few you know, and yet feel so lonely and not having anyone to talk to.) Recently I've been wondering what I'm doing here. Is Bristol truly where I'm meant to be, or have I just been delaying the inevitable of moving on again ? Is hard, especially as when you're on year team you begin to get to know even more people at church and feel a bit more settled at the church (although at the same time less settled...?) Anyway...I shall stop rambling as I have to get on with the day (cards to write, debate to prepare for tomorrow, the church to clean etc...) Maybe I'm just feeling this way as I'm so tired and it's almost the end of term. I'll be home on wednesday. I'll see how I feel then.*

*Disclaimer: sorry for the ramble. Had to let it out somehow - should probably have done it in my journal rather than on the internet, but oh well. Feel free to just ignore my ramble. I'll probably feel differently tomorrow.*

"Happy Feet"

Saw the film 'Happy Feet' at the cinema yesterday afternoon (a year team trip). Basically, (not spoiling the story), it's about Penguins, and how this one Penguin is different from all the others. Instead of having a 'heart song' (i.e. being able to sing well, and having his own song), he loves to dance and his feet move when he's feeling deeply. But he finds he can't be himself (as it goes against 'what makes a penguin a penguin') and is always being told to try to sing/stop singing - as his voice is awful - and to stop dancing. He's told that what he is isn't natural, and is made to feel like an outcast, and finally banished from the emperor penguin colony. But it all has a happy ending, when he ends up coming back and saving the whole penguin colony. A very sweet and in places very funny film, (although a little bizarre in terms of how the storyline moves). But it also has a lot of thought-provoking stuff in there. (This is the point where my housemates of last year would tell me I think about films too much again...) It makes you think about being different - how it's really hard to be different from the crowd, and also not to be able to be free to express who you are. But the film implies that ultimately it's people who dare to express who they really are and to be different, despite the costs, who will make a difference ! Very challenging. It also brings up a whole load of environmental stuff, about how fishing in the antarctic is disrupting the Penguins' food chain and even outrightly killing some of them by the waste left behind by the humans. Although slightly unrealistic in it's portrayal (for example, I wish all our environmental problems could be solved as easily as this one seemingly was in the film), it nevertheless makes you think. I came out in an odd mood - having enjoyed it, and laughed a lot, but also been very provoked. Anyway...food for thought.

Sorry my blog has become a bit of a diary of events recently. In some ways this reflects my state of mind, that I have been kept very busy and with hardly any time to take time and think about stuff. (And when I have wanted to post recently on more thoughtful things, blogger has been being annoying). But as I have said before, I will try to make it less of a diary - as that isn't the reason I originally started writing on here. But it might take me a while.

Now to have something to eat and try to get a bit of rest before what is shaping up to be a very good but very manic day tomorrow - looking forward to the morning family service and the carol service in the evening (the first one at Woodies I will ever have been to) - the church is currently looking amazing with all the Christmas decorations up ! Oh, and one last thing...you may have noticed I added a couple more links to the sidebar. Do check them out. Most of them I already look at/read, just hadn't gotten round to putting up links before now !

p.s. Another last thing...I am now on blogger beta ! Very strange. Another set of features to get used to. *Sigh*

Mehh...

Humpf. Have just downloaded Internet Explorer 7 by mistake, and I don't like it !! :-( The font is weird, and I keep going down to the taskbar to open my other webpages, forgetting that they're now tabs instead (obviously window's alternative to firefox). Also, I can't find the same options that I use - I don't know anymore how to change the privacy settings, save as favourites, or generally change any browser options. I guess I'll probably get used to it after a while of fiddling...I just don't like change :-P

In other news...I really enjoyed the pub lunch and walk with W3 on sunday afternoon. (For some photos see the w3 blog ). It was very very muddy on the walk and I only just got back in time for being on duty by the skin of my teeth (well, I was a few minutes late, but Lois will have to forgive me) but it was great to feel like being family together. I sat with a few W3 people on sunday night too. Really feel like I'm starting to get to know a few people :-)

Also, Livesoc last night went ok. I was quite critical of my performance (as I guess a performer always is) and knew I could have sung better, but I had some very positive comments from people, so apparently it was ok :-) And I enjoyed the rest of the evening too, a couple of non-livesoc good friends came along and I sat with them. The headlining band (Bizali) were awesome :-)

1 Year Old Today !

My blog is 1 years old today ! And this is also my 100th post ! Two milestones in one post :-) In a way a year seems not very long ago, when I read back on my posts. But in another way it feels a world away. Who'd have thought a year ago (apart from God that is) that I'd be where I am now. IN some ways, reading back over my old posts, I haven't changed a lot in that year. But in other ways, I think I am probably more aware of things which I'd like to be changed. And who'd have thought just how widespread blogging would become. In a year so many other people have joined the blogosphere, especially from Woodies. Well, at least I can say I wasn't at the beginning but I wasn't at the end !

Anyway...enough of reflection and rambling (as the title of my blog allows). Today is going to be a busy but good day. On duty today at church, then in the hours inbetween the services I'm (hopefully) going with W3, my new pastorate, on their pub lunch and walk. It will be nice to have a chance to get out of Bristol for an afternoon and to be able to spend more time with W3 people. If I take any good photos I may even share them on here !

Yaaay !!!

We have internet !!!!!!!! At last. (Though I really shouldn't speak too soon, having only just been connected it seems to be a little tempermental, as I had great difficulty getting to the page on blogger to let me post ! It also keeps dropping me from the network. Hmmm.) But it is a start. I probably won't be spending much more time on the net than I have been recently, due to no time, but it does mean I can keep on top of e-mails bettter and hopefully reply to people sooner (sorry to those of you who e-mailed me over a month ago but have not heard anything back. Replies will be on the way soon now). I will also not need to visit the internet cafe again - you know you've spent far too long somewhere when you start to recognise all the staff who work there, and they recognise you !!!

Although it has been stressful and difficult, for many reasons, I think the lack of internet has been good for me. Has made me realise just how dependent I am on it, and just how much people expect me to reply instantly to everything ! So, although I am back officially, I will try to cut back on the amount of 'non-essential' time I spent on the net.

In other news...I am STILL covered in glitter. We had amazing fun at IMPS (mums and toddlers at Henleaze) this morning with a bonfire night themed craft involving glitter for making firework pictures. Very, very, very messy, but great fun too :-) Only regret is that I didn't get to make a picture too :-) Am looking forward to 'bonfire night themed student lunch' this friday, and the downs fireworks on saturday !

The end of an era

Well...my student card runs out today. 23/06/2006. It does mark the end of an era. I found out on wednesday that I had gotten a 2i. I should be pleased, but I think I have not had the time to reflect recently really, so I think it will probably sink in more next week. I'm also sorry if this blog is the first time you've heard how I did - that's just because I have not had the time since wed to let many people know (housemates and family, plus a few other people I have seen in the last few days).

I have had a good couple of weeks, busy (and with lots of very late nights) but with good things. LiveSoc, in case you'd been wondering, went well I think - I was terrified in the soundcheck, but with the help of the calming presence of a few good friends, the actual performance I just really enjoyed and I think sounded ok (from the feedback I've had anyway). If you want to see a pic of me performing you can go to my myspace page (which I have recently updated a little). However, now from today onwards I need to start focusing on packing - I'm going home on sunday and haven't started yet ! I have had a bit of a lump in my throat so to speak for the last few days in particular. I know that, as one particular friend keeps reassuring me, I will see friends again even if I don't come back to Bristol next year (not sure yet - don't ask !) But there are people who won't be here, and of course it will be different whatever happens. It's hard to even say goodbye for the summer, let alone goodbye and I may not see you for a long time. But anyway, I should stop rambling before I get overwhelmed again and I should go start packing. I will do my best to keep in touch with people over the summer and beyond. I will also post occasionally on here too, although it may be sparce as I am away a fair bit over the summer. And I will leave you with the words of another Ginny Owens song which has been stuck in my head for the last few days. (I don't yet share all the sentiments, and some maybe don't quite apply to me, but the main principles do.)

"I've been grazing in the lush green pastures,
Watching time pass me by,
And I've been wading in the shallow waters,
Where everything is all right -
But today I know that something's different,
Something's disturbing my peace,
Oh, I can feel the changes in the distance,
And I hear them calling to me-

The day is here, the time has come
To sing a new song,
It's very clear I must move on,
And sing a new song,
It will define who I become,
This new song,
So show me how to sing along,
To this new song

I've been looking in the strangest places,
To find the source of my strength,
And even though the outcome never changes
Still I search endlessly
But no more wandering round in circles,
It's time that I cross the sea,
Now I'm trading in my cozy corner
For the bigger mystery

[Chorus]

Going there means leaving here,
Saying yes, means saying no,
Moving on means letting go of what is sure - for more."
-New Song by Ginny Owens

Devotion and Ecclesiastes.

I know with my exams coming so fast and all, I need to be really strict at saying no, and need to keep things other than revision to a minimum...and I have been, mainly, but I did agree to go to Devotion last night to help out (Youth congregation at Woodies). I'm glad I did !!! It's only the second time I've been, actually both times I've been playing keyboard. It's just so amazing. I only wish I was better at being able to say the right things, e.g. better at introducing myself to people and better at being helpful in small groups...but I do still enjoy it, I think it's maybe something I'll get better at with time, and things are made slightly easier by the devotees who I know a little bit already - thanks guys (you know who you are).

The talk that they did was quite appropriate for me too, although I hadn't expected it at all. We were looking at friendship - what true friendship is. We first looked at the example of David and Jonathan in the Old Testament (I am actually reading 1 Samuel currently, and so that helped cause I knew the passage already) and what their friendship was like. That was challenging yes, but what struck home with me more was when Dave talked about friendships being like flowers - for them to grow, you need to water them, feed them...it takes effort. But sometimes they die before they're meant to, and it's cause we haven't looked after them. Other times, they die, and actually, that's ok, cause they were only meant for a season. And other times, you think they're dead, but then they flower again the next year. Dave read out the passage in Ecclesiastes 3:

"There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

But HOW do you know when the right time is ? How do you know when you need to make the effort to keep a friendship alive and how do you know when the right time is to let it die, because it's only been for a season ? This has come up for me another time before, but I feel is especially relevant now. I'm on the edge of finishing my degree in Bristol. I currently have no idea what I'm doing or where I'll be next year. But how do I even know if I should stay in Bristol, or whether I should let go, because great as it has been, it has only been for a season ? And how do I know whether I should try and keep up with everyone, or whether some friendships are also for a season only ? How ? In the book of Acts in the New Testament, when the disciples ask Jesus "Lord, are you at this present time going to restore the kingdom to Israel ?", Jesus replies: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by His own authority." But that is in a rather different context, and so does it apply here too or not ? And if we aren't to know, then...?

All I currently know is that this is a time for revision and working hard at exams. But beyond that, and when they finish, I don't know. For now I will just keep on working. But any comments or thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.