mmmmm....pancakes...

We tried making savoury ones (filled with all sorts of things, as pictured here - tho my pancake flipping is very poor, as is also evidenced) followed by sweet ones for after. Good fun.

Now I just have to decide what (if anything) I'm gonna give up/take up for lent. In the past I have done things such as giving up watching neighbours and using the time to instead read through a Christian book/spend some time worshipping using my guitar, or reading 1 chapter of a purpose driven life each day (as there happened to be 40)...But I haven't really made much time to think about it properly this year, and I don't just want to do something for the sake of it - I want to know the purpose is for me giving/taking something up.

Magnificat

Tonight was Magnificat (which I mentionned in my earlier post) - a womens' only event at Woodies. It was 'interesting'. There was an amazing looking chocolate fountain with strawberries/grapes/marshmallows to dip in (I only had one strawberry, but still managed to make a mess). The keyboard playing was interesting - the band was really cool, but the songs we had were ones which involve a lot of chord changes, and so I found it hard to try to play well, while still watching Kate and Mel to see where the songs were going and think about the lyrics as well ! Also, I find it very difficult when I'm sposed to take more of a lead in things - i.e. me starting many of the songs etc. as I generally find that hard. But as long as it sounded ok, and helped people to worship, that's what matters.

We also got to play with playdoh, the results of which can be seen in the picture below (bear in mind that this is the first time I have ever used playdoh, and that my sculpting skills have a lot to be desired).



Basically we had to make something which represented us - like a baby/child or something else which represents us. I went for the child thing, since I couldn't think what else to make. Then we had some music play, and took some time to think about the fact that God had made us, created us, that we were unique, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made", that we were all planned - none of us occurred by accident. I found the rest of the evening quite hard, since 1) I was concentrating on playing some of the time and 2) the whole topic of identity is a hard one for me, so I was very tempted to just kinda switch off and let it all just brush over me as I found it too hard to accept. But this playdoh thing, despite not being a great fan normally, I really liked. Somehow when you actually hold something, it sometimes makes more of an impression than just thinking about something. And while I have a long way to go in terms of learning to understand and accept who I am, I was reminded of the words to this song (which we actually sang tonight):

"Into Your hands, I commit again

with all I am for You Lord

And You hold my world, in the palm of Your hands

and I am Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You

Jesus I belong to You

You're the reason that I live,

the reason that I sing,

with all I am

I walk with You wherever You go

through tears and joy

I'll trust in You

And I will live, in all of Your ways

Your promises forever."

-->Is what gave me the inspiration for the photo. Was just amazing, holding that model of me in my hands, and thinking that actually, God is doing that with me - holding me in His hands. Amazing.

1) Home and 2) worship.

It's been a while (again). Too many thoughts. I'll just clarify from my last post first - in case anyone was wondering what the cbox is: if you scroll a little way down the page, past the links but before the archive, you will find a 'comment box' (thanks Roberto). You can write comments in it - please do !

That done, I shall now ramble a bit about the topics in the title - being at home, and what worship is.

I've been at home for the weekend and just came back late yesterday evening. It meant I haven't gotten much work done between thursday evening and sunday evening, but it was worth it. I loved being at home SO MUCH !!! It almost feels like when I'm away from home I have both my legs and an arm chopped off; which means (understandably) I 'feel a little lopsided' but don't until I get back home realise the reason for this. Now that may be a slightly extreme analogy, but it is how I feel. We've always done everything together as a family - gone on holiday together, sung in the church carol service as a family, eat meals as a family...etc etc and so I suppose that obviously that has knock-on effects for both me and them when I'm away from home. Despite the feelings of frustration I have occassionally had about 'not being able to do some of the things other people do', when I actually think, well what would I rather do than spend time with my family, I don't have an answer. (I suppose that's true about a lot of things: that we take things for granted, until we suddenly don't have them any more, when we realise quite what we have. In the same way, being away from home at uni has made me appreciate more just how much my family mean to me.) I'm so grateful for such an amazing family. I love them all to bits (well, not literally, but you get the idea). I just loved being with mum, dad and my brother this weekend. My brother and I also had some good guitar playing sessions, and it was reassuring/unburdening to chat with mum (and dad too to a slightly lesser extent) about next year stuff - I don't feel any more sorted, or any closer to a decision, but it felt good to be able to talk through things and get a bit more perspective. That's another thing my family do - help keep my feet grounded when I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

It felt a little strange coming back last night - when I'm at home, it always seems like that's the reality, and actually uni is just a dream or something, hence feeling strange coming back. But I just now need to hold on to some of that perspective that I gained from being at home, and try to get on with doing work (as I have SO, SO, SO much to do !)

Another thing which was challenging, yet encouraging at the same time, was the topic of the sermon at church at home on sunday. We were looking at the whole area of living a life of worship (Romans 12:1 stuff) - see there was a link between the two topics ! Overview of the talk, in 3 points (as all good sermons seem to be):
1) Our INSPIRATION for worship - God's character
"...in view of God's mercies..."
2) Our MOTIVATION for worship - living to please God
"...pleasing to God..."
3) DEDICATION - our lives
"offer your bodies as living sacrifices"

Worship isn't just about singing some songs on a sunday at church. "our worship only glorifies God in as much as it reflects lives that honour Him the rest of the week". A cool analogy was that coming to church is a bit like the 'half-time pep talk'. The real game goes on during the week. That you wouldn't hear David Beckham saying "Well, we lost the game. We played really rubbishly. But the half-time talk was AMAZING. We were really going for it, and all ready..."

Being involved in worship bands (by God's initiative, not mine) I have read numerous books on the subject of worship, been to conferences, and heard these things a dozen times. The challenge is, not to let them be things I hear again and think "oh, I know all this already" - when in fact, do I ? For a couple of years now I have felt that God really wants me to get to grips with this stuff, as if He's gonna use me in worship, He wants me to understand what it is, and to be able to be a lead worshipper, not just a worship leader. And last year I was really fired up about these things (Jammin may remember a certain conversation we had at the beginning of the summer term last year), but have somehow become consumed by other things. It was good to have a reminder that not only is praying, Bible reading, and going to church (all good things mind) worshipping God, but so is every little part of my life, if I involve God in it and do it for Him. If I really know this, it'll mean that I'll be so much harder working at everything I do - from cleaning our house bathrooms to doing my uni work - cause I know I'm doing it for Him ! The lyrics from this song we sang yesterday keep going round in my head, so i'll share them with you and hope that it encourages you too - it's a fairly new song (I think) by Tim Hughes, which is on just that topic.

"God in my living

There in my breathing

God in my waking

God in my sleeping

God in my resting

There in my working

God in my thinking

God in my speaking

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

God in my hoping

There in my dreaming

God in my watching

God in my waiting

God in my laughing

There in my weeping

God in my hurting

God in my healing

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

Christ in me, Christ in me,

Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything.

Christ in me, Christ in me,
Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything."

-Tim Hughes

Having said all of that, I had now better go and clean the bathrooms and then do some more work before I head out in a couple of hours (I'm playing keyboard at Magnificat - the termly all- womens' event at Woodies - and so need to be there early.) I apologise for the length of this post, and the way it's so jumbled - well done if you've made it this far. I shall try not to leave it so long again...though I probably said that last time, lol !

CBox...

I now also have a CBox (sorry for being a 'copycat' Roberto !) I think they're cool, and maybe it'll encourage people to write on my blog a bit more, as it's easier to write something in that than going through having to write a comment (though of course that's no excuse not to comment too !) Also, sometimes when I'm writing a comment on a blog, I feel like it has to be vaguely related to their blog post. With a CBox comment, we can chat about anything people want to chat about. So get typing !

I shall see how it goes, and whether I like it or not. Depending on that, it may stay or it may only be temporary - so post everyone !!! Otherwise, it'll just look like I talk to myself ! Lol. Also, any suggestions welcome, as always e.g. let me know if you think it should be higher up in the sidebar, or lower down, or...etc

p.s. And you'll be glad to know that although I was cooking again this lunchtime, I didn't start a fire of any kind this time !!

Be the centre !!

"Jesus, be the centre;
Be my source, be my light, Jesus.

Jesus, be the centre;
Be my hope, be my song, Jesus.

Be the fire, in my heart.
Be the wind, in these sails.
Be the reason, that I live,
Jesus, Jesus.

Jesus, be my vision;
Be my path, be my guide, Jesus !!!!!"
-Vineyard Music

Realised this morning that that's what I need - I need Jesus to come and be the centre of my WHOLE LIFE again, rather than what I'd been doing - trying to do everything by myself, and then 'tagging Him on at the end of things'.

Superman

Wow. 3 posts in 1 day - is that a record ?

Watched more Superman tonight while eating supper. I realised, that I think one of the reasons why I liked/like "The New Adventures of Superman" so much, is because I identify with the characters so much. In a weird kind of way (ignoring the male/female thing - please no rude comments) I feel like I'm a mixture (character-wise) of Clark and Lois as they're portrayed in the series, and so I like seeing how they deal with situations, and how they change through the series.

Lois - at one point during the very first episode she says to Clark that sometimes she does things, like 'jumping in the pool without checking the water level', but that that's the only way she knows how. Like her, I often feel that that's how I try to deal with things (kinda following on from the previous post). I plunge straight in. I also, like her, make myself so busy. I can seem fine, like I'm sorted and really confident, on the outside, but on the inside, I'm really insecure and when it comes down to it, I'm learning that I have trouble trusting people, like Lois does, although for me I'm not sure where this has come from - for Lois, it is because she has been hurt in the past by people she trusted, but that's not true for me, that I know of. This 'trusting people' thing especially applies when it comes to trusting God (tho praps with other people too a bit), perhaps because with God the things are quite big which He asks me to trust Him with (especially an issue at the current moment, tho I won't go into details). Even though I've seen what He has done in the past - for me, and for other people, I still seem to struggle with this.

Clark - like him, I sometimes feel like I don't belong/don't fit in. Now I'd be ok with this if it was just that being a Christian meant that I was different from other people around me, because of what I was living for and Jesus being in me. But I often feel that this isn't the case, and my 'not fitting in' comes from something else. I've always felt like this. (Kinda silly really, when, as I've come to notice, I specifically but sub-consciously go out of my way to do things differently from other people, and then feel hurt when I'm not the same as them - I know, my mind is weird huh !) Also, the whole being naive thing. I do sometimes feel like Clark does in terms of being naive to what's actually going on in the world. And the, ' wanting to do good, but struggling with issues which arise'.

Other things too, and I'm not very good at explaining, but I've tried and I hope you understand what I've been trying to say. At this point of course, I will just get told that I overanalyse TV/films far too much. I do actually do it all the time. And I think that's possibly what defines a 'good film' for me - one which provokes me to think in this way. But I can't help it. It's who I am. At least I now have a blog I can share all these 'weird and wonderful' thoughts of mine on :-)

Ooops - the paradox of blogging

Ooops. Just realised I'd said that wouldn't be a mega post, but it then was. Funny how you can think you have nothing to say, but then you still manage to go on for ages in a post anyway - or maybe that's just me ?

You may have noticed, that often my way of dealing with things is to brush over them, and make light of things on the outside (not always, but often). Maybe that's why all my most recent posts have felt really 'bouncy', and not serious.

Anyway...really must go and work now ! :-)

It's been a while...

This won't be a mega long post (I hope), but I just wanted to give a 'quick' update seeing as it's now been almost a week since my last post !! (*Shock horror* !)

This has been an interesting week; full of lots of ups and downs - very high ups, and very low downs. A couple of highlights of the highs - dinner at a friend's house on wednesday. Hadn't seen them for a very long time. About 10 of us eating together in the end. Much fun was had by all and we kept ourselves amused for quite a long time with various riddles (most of which I hadn't heard before, but gave up on too easily - as I'm prone to doing.) Thursday - went out to Zero Degrees for another friend's birthday (why do so many people have birthdays on the 17th or 18th Feb - I now know 7 people who have birthdays over these 2 days !!!) Was very fun too - much photo taking on digital cameras involved. Also, getting very excited about having a couple of friends over for dinner next week !!!!
Lows - tuesday was about the lowest. Possibly partly the 'trying to get back into doing work' after having had a weekend of not working and a hectic week the week before, and hence being overwhelmed again. I felt a bit better after a long chat with a good friend when I got back from pastorate, (MSN is very helpful sometimes). I'm also now looking much forward to going to church tomorrow - I think I need a bit of a prod, cause that's another thing which has 'gone down the shute' (shoot ?) this week - quiet times and general Bible reading/praying...Think that's probably also one of the main reasons why I've felt so terrible at times this week. When I try to do everything by myself, I just get things so out of perspective. And it's such a downward spiral isn't it !!

Last night was fun - supper, then practised juggling with a housemate for a while (very good exercise surprisingly) and then stayed up rather too late watching part of the new DVD I bought yesterday: You're entitled to think I'm very sad if you like, but that won't change the fact that I'm really excited ! I bought the whole of season 1 of "The New Adventures of Superman" on DVD !!!!! It's 6 DVDs really, and 21 episodes ! I've seen them all before of course, but I watched the first 2 episodes last night, and I hadn't seen them for aaaaaaages !! Awesome.

Anyway...that probably wasn't very interesting for anyone and I probably shouldn't have admitted that last bit on the web for everyone to see, but nevermind. It's done now :-) I should get back to a bit more work - I'm trying to make the most of the weekend now, after not being able to go home as was originally planned. I have been working - honest - but it just seems to take sooo long !!! Apoptosis is so complicated and MS word is so frustrating !

Remind me never to cook again !!!!

Oh dear ! I knew there was a reason that I shouldn't be let loose in a kitchen ever ! Tonight was my cooking night again, but despite the fact that what I was cooking SHOULD have been easy, not only did I manage to get very stressed about it, I also managed to 1) set the fire alarm off (again - I seem to have become an expert in this) and 2) set fire to the oven gloves - now I didn't notice this fact, until I had put the oven gloves back on the table and then observed that there were now flames rising. I then proceeded to do what you should NOT do when you set fire to something, which was to panic. Eventually I managed to get enough of my brain operating to realise that I should try and put it out before it set anything else alight, and so proceeded to smother the flames with a towel. We now have black marks on our table, floor and the oven gloves. However, after this episode I did manage to eventually produce an eatable meal.

Now quite tired...but a good week.

The week of events last week I think went well, from what I could tell. The talks were packed out (and no, it wasn't just with CU people). I certainly found the talks helpful, and I'm glad that some of my friends did come along to various things and were challenged by what they heard.

Personally, I was particularly challenged by the talk on thursday night: "What's the point of life". Whether, is the point of my life perishable ? What is it that I'm currently living for ? I find it so easy to think that's sorted, and that of course I'm living for the right thing, but when it comes down to it, and I look at where it is I spend my time and energy, am I really ? In John's gospel in the Bible, Jesus says:

"You shouldn't be so concerned about PERISHABLE things like food. SPEND YOUR ENERGY SEEKING the ETERNAL LIFE that I, the Son of Man can give you. For God the father has sent me for that very purpose". John 6:27 (capitals mine)

That when it comes down to it, we all try to look in the wrong places to be satisfied - whether that's to music, making ourselves busy, our work, being on some committee, alcohol, relationships... and although relationships with other people are good, only one relationship - one which we were created for with our creator - will ultimately satisfy us and will not perish. Hmmmm.

Anyway, if anyone does want to listen to the talks, they should be being put up on the web on the Bristol CU website fairly soon (hopefully in the next couple of days if not today). Do have a listen.

I've also had a good weekend with another friend from home staying with me. I'm not very good at just being, and chilling/chatting etc. I seem to always feel like I should be doing something. But I think it probably is good for me to chill a bit sometimes. Reminds me of what is really important. We did have fun - we went to a great New Root gig together on saturday, among various other things, and it was good to spend lots of time together. I just now need to try to do some proper work this week, after not having done as much as I would have liked to last week...

Timetable of talks this week.

Here's a timetable of the talks which are going on this week, that I mentionned previously. Do come along to any of them. (Lunchtime talks in Wills Memorial building, with free lunch; evening talks in the Avon Gorge room in the Union, with refreshments and live music provided afterwards.)

MONDAY:
lunchtime - "What does Jesus know about sex?"
evening - "Does God love the good man ?"

TUESDAY:
lunchtime - "The arrogance of Christianity"
evening - "Does God love the bad girl ?"

WEDNESDAY:
lunchtime - "Why all Christians deserve to go to hell"
evening - "Will God cry when I die ?"

THURSDAY:
lunchtime - "Why does God let us suffer ?"
evening - "What's the point of life ?"

FRIDAY:
lunchtime - "If I'm a good person, will I got to heaven ?"
evening - "What would it take for you to believe ?"

Well, my excitement wasn't disappointed.

My essay was done (although not wonderfully) and handed in, and thankfully I can say that my nightmare didn't come true ! I did make it to the weekend away.

We got back this afternoon about 3.15ish. I had an amazing weekend. It started with a few of us going to devotion on friday evening (youth congregation at Woodies) to help lead worship. It was so amazing to be there, to meet lots of new people and have good chats, to play a fun game of hockey (involving rolls of newspaper), but mostly, just amazing to see those at devotion and...I don't know how to express this really...but, just to see how passionnate they are in pursuing God (I think that's a good way of describing it). There is so much I could learn from all of them, and so much I did learn on friday night. They were grateful for having a 'team of students' come to lead the worship, but really, it is us who should be grateful, for them letting us come and share the evening with them !!

We then headed to the weekend away, and didn't get lost (much) thankfully. We got there just in time for the name game (which was very funny). Overall, the weekend was just amazing. Really good to spend time wth people, building community a big more, and I was given lots of encouraging things, as well as challenges, - some from the talks, but mainly from other people e.g. when they were praying for me. Also, unlike some other weekends away where it has felt really sad when people disperse after getting back at the end, I just felt really peaceful, and like I was now slightly more ready to face the next onslaught. I just want to try and hang onto that feeling of peace, and the focus I gained from the weekend, for this coming week, which otherwise I could turn into just a load of busyness.

If I had to give an example of one more general thing which was challenging from the weekend, I would probably mention the whole "kingdom identity" thing: about how, when everything is stripped away, what is my identity ? Am I Ro the musician, Ro the "sometimes worship leader", Ro the biochemist, Ro who lives in my particular house with my housemates in Bristol, Ro who is part of the family I'm part of...or am I Ro the child of God ? What is it that my identity is in at the moment. And how can I be working with God to change that identity to "Ro a child of God" ? Cause that is what my identity REALLY IS. It's not that I did anything to gain this new identity, but that I have been given it because of Jesus. It is my new identity. So it's not, how can I force my identity to that, but how can I change the way I see who I am, to being what it really is (if that makes sense ?) And how can I learn more to be secure in the knowledge of that identity, so that whatever happens, I will be still confident because I know who I am ?

So yes, very good weekend.

Excited !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know: more exclamation marks in the title; but I can't help it. I am excited !

I should first say probably that the talk on tuesday (which I mentionned in the two previous posts) seemed to go well. Professor Halestrap spoke really well, the practicalities seemed to go fine, and lots of people came - in fact, a friend of mine had said beforehand that the ideal thing would be to have a packed room, but not so many people that we ran out of food; which is pretty well exactly what happened ! I was really excited by the turn out, and in particular that so many people I knew came, and were given lots to think about. I think that I've been getting into the rut of expecting this year to be like the last 2 years - in the past I've had so much frustration when I've invited people along to talks like this, but noone's come. But God's been starting to shake me out of that familiarity, and show me that actually, people are receptive to coming along to these kind of talks. I just need to keep inviting people, and that's all I can do.

That leads me on nicely to mentionning the talks which are being put on next week (every lunchtime, monday-friday, in Wills Memorial and every evening, monday-friday, in the Bristol Student Union). I will put a "timetable" of what talk is each day up on sunday probably. Do think about coming along, even if I haven't been able to invite you personally - there are just some massive questions which we all need to make sure we look into, like: what's the point of life (is there one?), who am I, and who is Jesus - He makes some big claims, which should deserve at least looking into. Sorry for pressing the point rather, but I am just excited about the opportunities we (in Bristol) have next week of being able to investigate these questions further, and why should I not use every means at my disposal (which includes my blog) for publicising that ?

Anyway...I am also very excited about the Woodies Student weekend away which is this weekend !! (That is, as long as the nightmare I had last night doesn't come true - of me forgetting to go until too late !) Each one I have been on since I have been in Bristol has been so different, but all really good in their own ways. I am hoping that this weekend will be a good chance to "be still" before the busyness of next week, and a good chance to get to know some of the other students at Woodies even better. I'm also excited about the topic we're looking at, of being "Kingdom People" (i.e. what it means to be living in the Kingdom of God).

But unfortunately, before that I have an essay which must be written - it's for monday, but I want to finish it today so that I'm not worrying about it all weekend ! So please excuse me while I go and see how much of my revision of phosphoinositide signalling I remember. I shall blog again soon :-)