You don't know - a poem/prose/reflection

You may think I’m optimistic, always one to smile in the morning, to embrace the day with joy, to always look for the silver lining, even when it’s hard to find.

But you don’t SEE the internal battle that I go through each morning, just to get out of bed, to sometimes fight exhaustion, to persuade myself that this day is a day worth living. You don’t SEE how I have to speak to my soul, to tell it not to be so downcast, that I really can put my hope in God; that I can choose to praise Him, regardless of how I feel.

Yet there IS one who SEES. He SEES each time I choose to lift my eyes to Him, the one where my help comes from, rather than let myself be swept away in a flood of self-pity and hopelessness. He tells me that this is a day that He has made, and I can rejoice in it. He lifts me out of the chaos, the slimy pit, the mud and mire, and places my feet upon a rock, a high place, where I can SEE through His eyes. He puts a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise that I can sing, for many to SEE and to cause many to put their trust in Him. 

I smile because He has made me glad, and I am learning that His joy can be my strength.

                                                                                                  

You may think that I exude peace, that I calmly face every situation and take it in my stride.

But you don’t HEAR the internal voices in my head, telling me that I just can’t do it, that everything’s going to go wrong, that it will be just like all the times I have messed up before, that I can’t speak out as I won’t say the right thing, that I will just make everything worse, that I should just not bother. And you don’t know how instead I’ve been learning to HEAR and focus on the song that He’s singing over me, which He’s actually been singing all along; the glorious song that speaks truth and life into my entire being.

Yet there IS one who HEARS. He rejoices over me with singing, and He longs for me to always HEAR that song, to make it my overriding obsession, to live HEARING it and helping others to HEAR it too. He HEARS my cries for help in the midst of the storms ranging inside of me. He is the one who tells me to give thanks and lift all my worries up to Him. He is the one whose peace can calm that storm, like He calmed that other storm so long ago. His peace can cover my worries and doubts in a way that even I can’t understand. When I trust in Him, He promises to keep my mind steadfast and in perfect peace. He is the one who tells me to have courage because He is with me, and because when we are together, nothing is impossible. 

He has given me His peace, and I am learning not to try to do everything on my own.

                                                                                                  

You may think that I’m confident, that I know who I am and I fight hard for what I believe in, that I’m successful in all that I do.

But you don’t KNOW how scared I can be inside, how much I feel like a failure, all the time, a disappointment, never good enough whatever I do, not worthy of anyone’s love, let alone His. You don’t KNOW how much I often want to just curl up into a ball and disappear. And you don’t KNOW how instead I’m gradually learning to KNOW and experience His love, above the fear.

Yet there IS one who KNOWS. He KNOWS the deepest parts of me, which you don’t SEE, HEAR or KNOW. And yet, He doesn’t just begrudgingly bear with me, but He actually delights in me. He loves me, with an everlasting love. Nothing can separate me from that love, not circumstances, or my mistakes, or anything else in all of creation. That love is perfect, and when I experience it, in a real and deep and true and tangible way, there is no room left for fear, it just goes. His love is wider, longer, higher, deeper, that I can ever KNOW or understand. He sees my mistakes, every single one of them, and yet He picks me up again each time. He tells me that His grace covers me, and He holds out His hand to lift me up, encouraging me to go again, hand in hand with Him. Not only does He pick me up, but He then actually puts me in a position of responsibility, (who, me?!), where others look to me for leadership. It is here where I find that actually He has placed a lot of things inside of me, which I didn’t KNOW about before but I find are a blessing and encouragement to other people, which in turn encourages me. He tells me that He is well pleased with me, not because I am good enough in my own strength, but because He loves me and He IS good enough; He paid the price for me, and He loves me so much. I can be His child – if I only choose to be. He is proud of me; and if He is proud of me, then who am I to be disappointed in myself? 

He has freely given me His love, and I am learning to walk with confidence because I KNOW that I am loved and I KNOW who my Father is.

                                                                                                  

So why don't YOU join me on this great adventure? Won't you accept His invitation...to choose to lift your eyes to SEE Him, regardless of your circumstances; to HEAR the song that He is singing over you, above those other voices; and to KNOW His love, in the depth of your being, driving out all fear?

He sees. He hears. He knows.  

Happy New Year (a new thing)

So, it's nearly 2014! Another new year! There are always mixed reactions to celebrating New Year, but I’ve really noticed it this year more than ever, due partly to having quite a few friends who have had a really tough time of it in 2013. I can see their view point…there is definitely a lot of expectation put on the one evening of New Year’s Eve, and if 2013 has been a tough year (which I know it has been for many of you) then why indeed would you want to celebrate its passing (at least, with anything more than sheer relief!) My natural optimistic instinct is to just want to give the people concerned a great big hug, tell them that somehow it’s going to be ok, and to want to make everything better for them – I don’t like knowing that people are hurting (it makes me hurt too!) But, it turns out that I can’t just magically make things better with optimism, no matter how hard I try to think of the right things to do or say.

The good news though, is that I can do something much better. Firstly, I can continue to pray for you. And secondly, I can share with you what I know of the hope that is based on solid promises, rather than optimism – and I happen to trust the one who has made those promises (although, I don’t trust Him nearly as much as I want to or know I should – but that’s a whole different blog post!)

Most of you will by now know that Steven Curtis Chapman is one of my favourite singer-songwriters (for various reasons, which I won’t go into here). He has written this song called Happy new Year, which is at the end of his latest Christmas album. It ends with hope for the year to come:
“The God who made everything, is remaking everything.
The God who made everything, He says I’m making all things new”.

This ties in amazingly with Bible Gateway’s verse of the day for today (which I get delivered to my inbox every day):
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 18-19.

Now this prophecy was written to a people who had really had a tough time of it. They, of all people, would have had a reason to “dwell in the past” and on the “former things”. Yet, they are given this promise to hold onto, to look and see that God is doing a new thing: He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland – i.e. bringing life to places that were formerly only places of death, where anything other than death seemed like an impossibility. Some of 2013 may have looked like a wilderness or a wasteland to you, and you aren't sure how things could ever get better. But, with God, nothing is impossible. I had no idea how I was going to find a job after completing my PhD at the end of last year (or what that job should even be), but God found me one. Then, I had no idea how to find somewhere to live in my new town, this place I didn't know at all - but God found me somewhere. I had no idea how to find a new church family to connect into - but God found me an amazing one(!) You get the picture. (There are still plenty more difficult situations that have yet to be resolved, but I know that my God will somehow make a way!) 

I also think of a passage in another Old Testament book of the Bible:
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:19-23

God’s compassions are new not just every year, but every day (and actually, also every moment of every day!) The coming of a new year just gives us a good chance to stop and reflect. Yes it is a chance to remember with thanks the good things from 2013. But it is also a chance to remember that however hard 2013 has been, we don’t have to get stuck there and dwell in the things now from our past, but we can move on, with hope and expectation, into all that the future brings – that God is doing a new thing.

Up until fairly recently I found it really hard to think about the future. I suppose it was a result of the (mostly self-imposed) pressure of having to choose “the perfect” subjects for GCSE (then for A-level, then for university, then for a job…the list goes on; I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this?!) I used to look into the future and just get paralysed with fear, so it was easier not to look there at all, and just go with the flow of what was happening right now, but without any goals or direction (because that would involve thinking about the future!) But I have been, and am still being, more and more freed from this paralysing fear, such that I can now look at the future. I still don’t know what’s ahead, and it still scares me a bit, but whatever lies ahead, I know the One who walks beside me  (and I know that he has also placed some amazing people around me, for me to also walk with and encourage/ be encouraged by!) And I know that 2014 will be a good year. I was challenged a few weeks ago to think about what my expectations were for 2014. I didn’t have an answer at the time, but I think I do now (at least partly). What are your expectations for 2014?

So, Happy New Year, and every blessing for the year ahead :)

A few of my favourite things

So my friend Jenny, who is severely ill with ME, wrote a long blog post titled "My Favourite Things" (do go and read her original post - or at least the introduction - for more context) and her friends have been challenged to write similar posts on 1st December, to bring a smile to her face. So, Jenny, this is my attempt.... (And I challenge you, even if you don't know Jenny, can you come up with your own list?!)

I don't like labelling things as my "favourite", as it feels too definite; so instead, I felt it more appropriate to title this "a few of my favourite things" (in deference to The Sound of Music, of course!) I have to say that I have actually found it quite a hard post to write. There are many things that I like, but often in the busyness of life, and in the desire to please others, I always end up pushing down the things that I like, until I've almost forgotten them myself! But I still find a key giveaway sign when I really like something, is that it makes me smile or grin a lot, so, based on that, here we go...

A few favourite TV programmes:
Like Jenny, I also like Chuck (if you don't know it, check it out - it's awesome!) and Doctor Who. Also...

Warehouse 13 - a series that my brother introduced me to

Game shows - too many to name, but I particularly enjoy watching question or word-based games.

The Great British Bake Off - traditionally I've always found cooking shows quite boring, and never really watched them. But I really got hooked on this show last year, and have been watching it since. I love the creativity of the people on the show, and seeing what creations they come up with!

Childhood programmes
The New Adventures of Superman - I am proud to admit to owning all 4 seasons on DVD! I loved this show (helped by the fact I *may* have had a slight crush on Dean Cain).

Ocean Odyssey - About a girl, Neri, who can breathe underwater and speak to whales. Awesome show. I love swimming, and when I was in the sea on holiday I always pretended to be Neri. I think this show is where my love of swimming underwater comes from :)

David the Gnome - very few people seem to have ever seen this programme, but I loved it! (It was on very early on Sunday mornings I think).


A few favourite books:
Gentian Hill (Elizabeth Gouge) - my all-time favourite, which I keep coming back to. She is a great writer, but that's not the real reason I love it so much (I've read other books by her which I don't love so much). I think the real reason that I love it is because I really identify with some of the characters, and have learnt a lot from them.

Chronicles of Narnia (C.S Lewis) - my dad read these to me when I was younger, and I often re-read them to this day. I also have a couple of them on audiobook, and I always listen to them to cheer myself up whenever I'm feeling ill and don't have the brainpower to read an actual book!

Archives of Anthropos (John White) - series of 6 books that my godparents introduced me to. Similar concept to the Narnia books, in that they are an analogy of some of the key passages in scripture.

The Oriel books (Robert Harrison) - "Oriel's diary", "Oriel's travels" and "Oriel in the desert". These are books based on the lives of 3 figures in scripture (Jesus, Paul and Moses), as seen through the eyes of the fictional archangel Oriel. I was introduced to these books by a friend at Bristol uni, and they have really helped me with thinking through these familiar parts of scripture in a new way; I often find that fiction books engage me more than non-fiction and I learn more through stories than documentaries!

The Dark is Rising (Susan Cooper) - a great series of books based on the Arthurian legend. I have read and re-read these books so many times that my copy is falling apart. The only part I don't like is the ending, as it grates on me somewhat (which is why I have stopped reading them of late).

The Ender saga (Orson Scott Card) - very thought provoking books. Don't know how the recent film compares, as I haven't seen it yet.

Agatha Christie's Poirot - I have read pretty much all of the Poirot books ever written.

Sherlock Holmes - similarly, I have the complete Sherlock Holmes, and love his deduction abilities (maybe it appeals to the scientific side of me?!) I prefer the earlier stories though, as the later stories can be a little weird.

Redeeming Love (Francine Rivers) - an incredible romance novel, based on the Biblical book of Hosea.


A few favourite films:
Pride and Prejudice - I do enjoy the most recent film, but the BBC drama is still my favourite. My G'ma enjoyed the BBC drama so much that she wore out her VHS tapes (ah, those were the days!) and I have very fond memories of watching it with her :) I now own both versions on DVD.

The Saint (film with Val Kilmer) - the perfect mix of action and romance.

The Fifth Element - a slightly quirky sci-fi film, which I saw at the cinema when it first came out years ago. It's a great mix of action, romance and comedy, and it's firmly become one of my "films to stick on to cheer me up when I'm ill".

The Holiday - Great romcom; fun to watch, with some good messages. I just have to try not to wonder too hard about how they solve the problem of this transatlantic travel thing!

The Little Mermaid - my favourite Disney film, ever! I haven't watched it for years though, as I banned myself from watching it because I always cried so hard watching it that it gave me a huge headache! (I tend to cry a lot with films - regardless of whether they're happy or sad!)

I should also mention that I'm really enjoying the recent spate of superhero films (e.g. the Avengers and everything associated!)


A few favourite musicals:
I'm a huge fan of musicals, and love Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals (especially Cats and Starlight Express), as well as things like Les Mis, The Sound of Music, and Annie.


Some favourite folk music:
Megson - a great husband and wife duo, with some great song arrangements and wonderful vocal harmonies. I particularly love the songs "The Old Miner" and "The Handloom Weaver", which Glyn and I have played together on occasion.

Eastmountainsouth - these guys only produced one album, sadly, but it's beautiful! Incredible harmonies. I particularly love the song "Show me the River", as it holds some very special memories for me.

Show of Hands - awesome band to see live! They have a lot of stage experience, and I am always in awe of their ability to craft the "ebbs and flows" of their live shows. I have learnt a lot from these guys.

Cara Luft - great musician and song writer, with a big heart. Her shows are always great fun and I enjoy keeping up with her travels via her news updates.

Seth Lakeman - what can I say?! Amazing. I am in awe of his ability to play the fiddle AND sing at the same time. I also greatly admire his tenor guitar! (I want one!) He writes great songs, crafts a great live show, and I think that he has done great things in terms of making folk music popular for a new generation (whatever the more traditionalist folkies may say).

Fidola - this is a group that I saw at Sheffield Folk Festival, when Glyn and I were there to perform. They were really my first introduction to folk tunes, and I still listen to their album to this day - beautifully crafted.

Martyn Joseph - a great showman, with a great heart to bring people hope and to fight for social justice. I particularly enjoy his album "Whoever it was that brought me here will have to take me home".

Soiree - not usually my preferred style of music, but these guys have been good friends to me over the last few years and I always really enjoy seeing/hearing them perform together. Sue has a beautiful voice, Steve is a great guitarist and Hector does a wonderful Elvis impersonation (as well as being a great singer).


Some favourite folk tunes:
Shove the pigs foot a bit further into the fire (great tune and great title!)

Charity Tweed - written by Pip Jopling

The Sloe Gin set - originally performed by Spiers and Boden, but I love the version performed by Glyn Collinson and Andrew Marcus, which never fails to bring a smile to my face when I listen to it.


Some favourite Christian music:
Steven Curtis Chapman - anyone who has known me for a while will probably have heard me speak about this guy! I was privileged to see him perform live in London last year, and his music has been such a source of encouragement for me. He is so open about sharing the ups and downs of his life with his fans, and it is so powerful to see that he really does believe all of the things that he sings about.

Bethany Dillon - a great singer-songwriter.

Switchfoot
Ginny Owens
Nathan Tasker
Kari Jobe
Chris Tomlin
Jeremy Camp

Some favourite Bible verses:
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Ephesians 3:17-19 "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Psalm 139

1John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 2

2Corinthians 4:7 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

John 15:5 " “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."


A few of my favourite things to do:
Music
- I love sessions; when I was first introduced to these through the folk scene, it just felt so right; it's how music should be - a group of people, enjoying playing and sharing music with each other

- I have so many good memories from playing in the band Waterfront, either as a duo with Glyn, as a trio with Glyn and Ben, or also with Pip or Richard.

- I far prefer going to a pub and listening to live music, than going to a club. I owe The New Root a huge amount, for helping me to discover the joys of live music and for also introducing me to Glyn, with whom I played in Waterfront.

- God has given me both a certain amount of musical ability and opportunities to develop that ability, and I love having the opportunity to use this to serve others through being involved in the worship teams at church :)

Landscape photography and spending time in God's creation - I don't do this nearly enough, but spending time in nature always refreshes my soul and photography lets my creative side make an appearance :)

I also love spending time with friends, and playing board games.


Lastly...a few favourite foods:
Roast chicken
Tomatoes
Chocolate cake (mmm....)
Pineapple


Thank you for reading this long post; I hope that it has given you some insight into the world of Ro! :)

Deep Roots!

So, with my birthday coming up fairly soon now, I'm starting to feel my age a bit, being now firmly into my late 20s! Over the last few years my body has been gradually changing - I now need a lot more sleep than I used to (or rather, I am forced to admit this slightly more often than I used to), my joints ache more easily than they used to, and my preferences have changed. One example that I will admit to, is that I'm actually starting to enjoy gardening(!), which I thought would never happen. My parents have always been keen gardeners, but much as I've always loved the end results I could never see the attraction of the process of gardening itself - why would you want to get yourself covered in soil, and crawl around with the creepy crawlys! But, since moving, I have discovered the joys of gardening gloves (cutting out the first problem!) and I have discovered the satisfaction of seeing something that you have planted then spring to life!

But, with the joys of gardening, comes also the hard work. With the weather improving (a bit) of late, our grass has started to grow rapidly! And not only the grass, but the weeds too. So, it is my job this weekend to de-weed our lawn - and it's proving more of a challenge than I first thought! Dandelions sure have deep roots, which I never appreciated before! You can understand why they are so ubiquitous and why they survive in places where other things won't. So, one challenge removing them, is whether to dig out these roots. The temptation is to just remove the surface plant, as the grass will then immediately look better and I won't have to go to all the trouble of removing the roots. But, if I do that, then I know that the weeds will just grow right back again, so actually, doing this surface weeding just creates more work in the long run.

So, decision made - remove the roots. But this job is hard work. The roots run deep, so I therefore have to dig deep to find them. It also creates patches of bare soil in the middle of the lawn, where I've removed the plants, which doesn't immediately make it look better! But, once I have also sown the grass seed that I have bought, in the long run the lawn will be so much healthier, even if it takes that little longer and a bit more work to get there.  

It's like that with my life too. I went on a course called Freedom in Christ at my church in Guildford last year. It was amazing, and uncovered so many issues that I never even realised were holding me back. But, yesterday one of these issues - which I thought had been dealt with - reared its head again, in a different form. I realised that this thing is still affecting me, and that its roots must run deeper than I had initially thought. Now, again, the temptation is to just deal with the surface behaviours (or even worse, to just ignore it!), but that won't deal with the underlying problem which will just allow it to come back again! Removing the roots will be hard work, and perhaps painful, but in the long run I will be healthier for it.

I am reminded of the parable of the sower in the Bible, where Jesus talks about a farmer scattering seed. He says that some of the seed "fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants" (Matthew 13:7), and that the interpretation of this is that  ^"the seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful" (Matthew 13:22) (so, having weeds in your life doesn't just look untidy, but it also makes you unfruitful!)

Jesus also says, on another occasion, that "“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:1-2). So, whilst pruning (or weeding?!) may be painful, it is for our good and will help us ultimately to become more fruitful in our lives.

So, is just simply removing the weeds the goal then? No. There is also a parable in Matthew 12, where Jesus talks about how if an evil spirit comes out of a man, if it returns to find the house it left swept clean but unoccupied, it will just come back again (and bring some friends with it!) I suppose that in the same way if we just weed our lives, but then don't fill the space with something else, then the weeds will just grow back, and potentially grow even bigger than before! But if we put something else in its place, then the weeds will have no room to grow.

Steven Curtis Chapman has just released a new album called Deep Roots. It is called such for several reasons: it is very much a return to his roots in terms of music style (which is awesome by the way), the album contains several old hymns which he has rearranged, and it involves his family (who sing and play on many of the tracks) showing his deep family roots. I want to have deep roots too - not by having weeds in my life that are deeply rooted, but by being deeply rooted in God. One of my favourite Bible passages is in Ephesians 3, where Paul is praying for the church in Ephesus. One of the things he mentions is that they would be "rooted and established in love" (Ephesians3:17). When we are deeply rooted and established in love (and God is love, right!) when storms come we will be able to stand fast and not be destroyed. We will be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither" (Psalm1:3). I'm certainly not that person yet - as demonstrated by the fact that I have allowed this move to toss me about far more than I should! But, roots take time to grow, and in this culture of ours, which demands everything to be instant, that can be difficult to remember. I am still on a journey, as all of you are too. I just want to make sure that I am going the right way, and that I am someone who is prepared to let God dig deep in my life (because, He loves me as I am, but He loves me too much to leave me that way!)

Declaration of Dependence

Leadership is a funny thing.  We think of leaders as the ones up front, forging ahead, being strong, always knowing what they are doing. 

At the moment I am being asked to step into various leadership roles, such as leading worship at church on a Sunday morning.  Now, being up front would normally be the last place I would choose to put myself – I far prefer hiding away in a corner where no one can see me, but apparently God has other ideas about where He wants to put me!  (This relates back to a previous post about how, even though following God may at times be scary and can take me to places where I wouldn’t choose to put myself, it’s the only place I want to be, as I want to be where He is and where He’s taking me!)  I mean, this very weekend last year I was part of a band playing to a large crowd of people at the Washington Folk Festival, and now tomorrow, here I will be again in front of lots of people, leading worship – neither of which I regret at all, I’m being stretched, but neither of which would I have thought to place myself in!

The thing is though, the thing that I have to keep reminding myself of daily at the moment, is that actually it isn’t about me.  My temptation is to look at myself and feel terrified as I do not at all feel up to the job being asked of me!  Yes I know that I have developed certain musical skills over the years and I have led worship before (just not in main church), but in the moment I still feel scared, and it all feels a bit overwhelming to be honest!  But that is what happens when I look at myself and my own abilities. 

When I choose to fix my eyes on God instead, what happens is that I begin to realise that He is actually the one who is working through me!  I just do my bit, (preparing songs, practising, praying…), and then I have to just trust and leave the rest up to Him, trusting that He has a plan and He knows what He’s doing (even when my feelings are still wondering what He’s thinking, using me at all!) 

There is this wonderful passage in the Bible which I’ve been reading of late, where Jesus says:

“Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”  John15:4-5    

My tendency, and I think our tendency in general as a culture, is to want to be self-sufficient; to not have to rely on anyone.  Everything around us shouts this to us, how we need to learn to stand on our own two feet.  To us, the word dependency has acquired somewhat of a negative connotation!  To us, it implies weakness (which we don’t like to admit to), and a lack of confidence in ourselves and our own abilities.  But, this doesn’t stop our deep desire for something to trust in and hold onto. On one hand we want to do things our own way and be independent, yet we still end up turning to things and people to fill something in us – be it a reliance on an iphone or ipad, or be it a need to meet with a friend every week, or even a need to have a girlfriend or boyfriend to “complete us”; whatever it is.  Newton Faulkner sums this position up beautifully in his song “I need something”.  He sings:

“I need something to believe in

Cos I don't believe in myself
I'm sick and tired of getting nowhere
Guess it'll all work out

And I don't mind anymore

And I don't mind anymore

And I need someone to put my trust in

Cos I ain't trusting myself
And I'm scared of failure
So scared of success
Guess it'll all work out”

As he says, deep down, we know what we’re really like.  We’re actually scared to trust in ourselves, and we put on this confident front before other people yet inside we feel like frauds, and are scared what would happen if people found out what we were really like.  And we can end up just coping out, and trying to tell ourselves that we don’t care anymore, and we try to persuade ourselves that surely it will just all work out?  (When actually, inside, perhaps we do still care, but have just given up hope, that it actually will work out?!)

Yet through this passage about vines and branches the Bible says dependency on someone other than ourselves is actually how it’s meant to be, but that we’re meant to be dependent on our creator, and not in ourselves or in all these other things; it’s the natural way of things.  Using the example that Steven Curtis Chapman explores in his song "Declaration of Dependence", a flower doesn’t say to the sky: “you know, I just don’t need this sun you give me, or this rain; I can grow on my own thanks very much”.  Just like a branch doesn’t cut itself off from the life-giving vine and then expect to produce fruit on its own.  We find that it’s actually when we learn what it means to be dependent again, but really and truly dependent in the right person, that that’s when life runs through us and fruit is produced.  When we learn to trust in God more and more, and learn to abide in Him, that’s when His love, and life, and goodness and grace can flow all the more through us.  I want to be that person; I want to learn to trust Him more and let Him work through me.  My fears just serve to hold me back and actually get in the way.  Although, having said this, perhaps some nervousness is still a good thing – as it reminds me that actually, I’m not doing this in my own strength, but in the life-giving strength of the true vine.  Yet, I can also be completely confident, knowing that it’s not up to me to make things happen!  How freeing is that :)  I want to sing, no, I want to shout “my declaration of dependence on the one who gave His life for me.”  (And the most awesome thing is that, actually, we find we aren’t frauds at all – God sees the very deepest parts of who we are, and yet STILL He chooses to love us and to work through us; how awesome is that?!!! :)  Oh, and also, it actually is gonna be alright.

Great Expectations

I’ve been thinking lately (dangerous, I know ;) about expectations, and what it means to live life as an expectant person. 

I have heard many times, that we should live full of expectancy.  There are many examples, such as the fact that in life in general we should go into our day, not with resignation that it’s just another day to survive through, but that each new day is an opportunity to grow, to walk with God, and to see Him do amazing things; if only we’re on the lookout for it.  Also, it is often said that we should come to church with expectant hearts for what God is going to do – not coming because it’s “just another service, and it’s what I do on a Sunday”. 

This is backed up by many places in the Bible that talk about expectancy.  For example James1:5-8:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord."

or Luke11:9-13

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Now, I know that I should be expectant in theory, but what does it look like in practise?  In reality, sticking with the example of a church service, I can often come on a Sunday morning either in a place of discouragement, just coming on autopilot a bit, or in a place where I’m so excited about what God’s doing.  (And often places in between too, but let’s stick to looking at the 2 extremes for now.)  You’d think that it’s when I come in excitement that that will be when I hear from God the most.  In fact, I often find it to be quite the opposite.  It’s often when I come expecting nothing, that I find God picks me up and encourages me, and then perhaps challenges me with something new, so I learn a lot!  In contrast, it’s often those times when I “think” I am coming with an expectant heart that I can leave feeling a bit disappointed, feeling like God hasn’t met those expectations.  So, what’s going on?

I think the key is that I only “think” I am coming with an expectant heart; I think that there is a difference between being expectant and expecting God to work in a certain way.  If I come to something with wrong expectations, then actually, perhaps it shouldn’t be all that surprising that I can feel disappointed if those expectations aren’t met!  If I have wrong expectations, actually perhaps that makes it harder for me to hear God, as all of my thoughts and plans get in the way, and He has to push through those first before I can hear.  The problem is that this is so subtle.  I don’t intentionally come to church with the wrong expectations, it’s just that in my need to plan things and know what is coming next, I don’t like stopping at just being expectant, but often my heart progresses to wondering what could happen – for example, if I’ve been excited about something lately, I could end up going expectant that I’ll hear some more on this subject, when in fact God may have something completely different that He wants to tell me today!

What particularly brought this home was something I was reading last week.  At breakfast-time each day I’m currently re-reading this amazing book called "Walking with God", by John Eldredge.  In the section I read that morning, it said:

“Our day-to-day grind isn’t anything close to Eden, and our hurting and desperate hearts look for something to which we can attach all those yearnings.  We’ll settle for a doughnut if that’s all there is to look forward to.  We have to be careful what we give our hearts over to.”

Now, that isn’t to say that using specific things to motivate ourselves is necessarily all bad in itself (i.e. I have an essay due in, I’ll look forward to the fact that if I work hard I can go out this evening…)  I think the problem comes when we lean on those things as the only thing that gets us through the day!  What then happens when those things get taken away from us and our hopes are dashed?  What do we do if for some reason I don’t have time to eat that doughnut after all or someone else eats it instead of me?  Or that friend can’t actually meet up with me in the end and has to cancel?  What then? 

What are we choosing to put our daily hope in?  The Bible also says that the Lord delights in those who put their hope in his unfailing love.  Other verses on this topic:

“But I trust in Your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me” (Psalm13:5, NLT)

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”  (Psalm143:8, NIV)

 “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  (Lamentations3:21-23)

And these aren't just fluffy thoughts, for when everything in life is going well.  If you read them in context, most of these Psalms were written by King David when he was in the midst of really hard situations!  It is a principle for both the good and the tough times.

There’s also this great hymn (“Solid Rock”), which has recently been revived by Hillsong (and entitled Cornerstone):

“My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I did not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name”

The conclusion that I’m slowly coming to, is that actually, what it comes down to, is that as we learn to stand more and more on God’s promises and what He says is true, as we align ourselves daily with who He says He is and who we therefore are, as we daily surrender our plans, hopes and dreams into His hands, and as we place our hopes solely in his unfailing and unchanging love, then we will be free to more and more be able to hear his heartbeat for our day, for a church service, just for everything in life; We will come with the right expectations!

And we will be able to choose to SEE.  Mary Beth Chapman (the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman) has written this incredible book, "Choosing to See", which talks really honestly about how her life really hasn’t gone in the direction she planned (she wanted a nice, organised, scheduled life, but instead ended up married to a Grammy-winning singer-songwriter with crazy touring schedules, and as the mum to 6 kids – one of whom is now in heaven, as of 2008).  But she takes us with her on her journey, of how she’s been learning to SEE what God is doing.  I think that’s so it – that we need to not be disappointed by what has or hasn’t happened (and we most definitely need to not let that put us off from continuing to be expectant!), but we instead need to choose to SEE what God IS doing, even when it doesn’t necessarily match up with what I would like Him to be doing.  Or we at least need to be willing to see.

I most definitely don’t have this sorted in my head or heart yet, (I am again thinking aloud), and I would definitely be interested in hearing what you think.  But for now, I’ll just finish with the words of another SCC song, Great Expectations:

“The morning finds me here at heaven's door

A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow
And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand
And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne
The one that God Himself is seated on

And I, I've been invited as a son
Oh I, I've been invited to come and ...

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable
And see beyond my wildest imagination
Lord, I come with great expectations.

So wake the hope that slumbers in my soul

Stir the fire inside and make it glow
I'm trusting in a love that has no end
The Saviour of this world has called me friend
And I, I've been invited with the Son
Oh I, I've been invited to come and ...

We've been invited with the Son

And we've been invited to come and ...

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable
And see beyond our wildest imagination
Lord, we come with great expectations” 

re:creation

As is the current theme at the moment, this morning I was reading something and it gave completely new life to a concept that I thought I understood, yet I find that I didn’t really at all.  (It is also pretty topical considering the baptisms at church this Saturday!)  This concept is recreation.  It’s the topic of SCC's latest album (I just couldn’t resist working some more of his songs into blog posts :) and more seriously, is actually something I have been thinking about lately. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 in the Bible says:

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”   

Now, this is considered a pretty crucial verse for Christians, yet it’s one that is so easy to skim past without realising the full implications: If we know Christ and are IN him, then we are a new creation; not just the old one redone a bit to make it look better, but a completely new creation!  How crazy is that?!

Now the Bible also says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.  This implies that our minds weren’t automatically renewed when we were made new; so although we ARE new, we can sometimes slip back into old patterns of thought, because our minds are still being renewed.  But, when we hold firm to the promises of God, this isn’t just positive thinking; we believe that these promises really are true, even though they don’t feel like it sometimes.  And I have a legitimate right to tell those old negative feelings, thoughts and fears to go away and leave me alone, because I am a new creation, and they no longer have a place in my life!  I just need to keep renewing my mind to be in line with that.

But even more exciting than this (if that were possible!) is that this isn’t the end of the story.  It isn’t just that we’ve been recreated, and are now free from so many things that held us in bondage, and that’s it.  Voila.  No.  This is only the start of the story.  We’re Only Getting Started.

In another part of the Bible it says:

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. “(Ephesians 2:10)

This is the NLT (New Living Translation) version of the Bible.  I have never really understood this verse; until last night/today.  Sometimes reading several different translations of the Bible helps me to get to the bottom of what a verse really means.  I tend to mostly read the NIV (New International Version), but in the NIV this verse can lose some of its meaning, as it merely says that “we are created in Christ to…”  I know the “in Christ” should probably have given me a clue, but I still missed the point.  The point isn’t that we were created merely so that we could do stuff.  No, I think it’s that we were RECREATED in order to then be set free to do the things that God has for us to do. 

Now, that may sound like just a lot of hard work, doing the things that God has for us to do, and I guess sometimes it may be.  But the truth is (or seems to be as I am starting to re-understand it anyway!) that God has good plans for us.  He has gifted each of us with things, and put us in places where he has “good works” that only we can do (through him of course).  Another SCC song on his re:creation album says:

“You were meant to be touching the lives that you touch,

And meant to be here making this world so much more
Than it would be, without you in it.

You were meant to be bringing the gifts that you bring,

And singing the songs you’ve been given to sing.
You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be,
You were meant to be.”

Wow!  Clearly the line about singing songs particularly speaks to me :)  The problem comes though, that there is so much stuff in our lives that can prevent us from becoming all of this.  (The Bible would call a lot of it sin, and uses some quite strong imagery to speak about how this sin holds us in slavery).  The good news, is that through what Jesus did we can be created anew, and set free from all the rubbish that holds us back.  Then, as we are free to walk where he wants us to go, we can then be all that he has for us to be and do all that he purposed for us to do, which is a good thing! 

And this very much relates back to my earlier post about the Great Adventure too, and how, being where God is and where he wants us to be is actually the best place to be (and does not involve us just “trying harder”.)  Yes, it may often be scary (as I’m also discovering), as he takes us places that may be out of our “comfort zones”, but I also just don’t want to live my life any other way; I want to be where he is!  And I really want to continue to learn about who I now really am - this new creation, who doesn’t have to be weighted down by fears and failings anymore (a bit of a novel feeling really!) - and continue to learn how to live in light of that. 

Please know that I’m not saying any of this with the intention to “preach” at anyone; I am merely thinking out loud.  Writing helps me to process things and, although I know we are all at different places, in making this public on a blog my hope is that it might give you some things to think about too. 

“Sing with elation, praise every morning, God’s recreation of the new day.”   
- From the song Morning Has Broken

(p.s. aren’t you impressed with how I managed to work 3 SCC songs AND an album title into 1 blog post!  Ok, 1 of them was only sort-of an SCC song.  Still, I wonder how many I’ll manage to fit in next time :-)