Back again again

Well, where to start ! (This is the problem with such a ‘long’ time from blogging). I got back to Bristol on Wednesday afternoon after having spent several days in St Andrews and then a bit of a longer weekend than originally planned at home.

I guess I should start from where I left off last. My last exam was okish – the questions were nice, or so I thought at least, but being so exhausted after those few intense weeks I think my essay structure suffered a little despite the niceness of the qus. But it was done anyway. The biochemists then had a good time going to the pub and then for a meal together (tho I decided not to then go with them to the club as I was so tired). My mood was a bit odd that night. I guess it was mainly just the complete exhaustion. People kept saying that I should be excited to be finished, but to be honest, that night I just felt so tired and like collapsing in a small heap and crying my heart out !

I felt a bit better the next day. It was all a bit manic though – packing and then meeting some biochemist friends for smoothies (I recommend Shaken Stephens on Park Street to anyone who hasn’t been) and then lunch. I then dashed to get a bus to the airport. What then happened was amazing: I was really nervous about travelling to St Andrews by myself, mainly because I’d never flown by myself before (and I don’t like airports even when I am with other people). But, I happened to meet a fellow Biochemist in the Bristol departure lounge, and discovered that she was flying to Edinburgh too, so we were able to travel together to Edinburgh airport and then to the station. I then had to work out how to get the train to Leuchars (which I got about 2 mins after having come into the station) and then happened to sit next to someone who was travelling to St Andrews too, so was able to guide me etc. Amazing. I didn’t have time to feel scared, or even to do any of the things which I’d brought with me to do on the journey !

I loved being in St Andrews ! It’s all so beautiful up there, I kept wanting to take photos of everything (so I now have a large number to sort through!) It was the first time I’d been to see Charly, although she’s visited me in Bristol twice now. It was great to see where she’s been living, to meet some of her friends, to get a tour of the town…we had much fun together (although not much sleep). It was especially fun flying a kite (which we named Dougal) and playing Frisbee (Frank) on the beach and proceeding to get sunburnt ! (We had beautiful weather, but cause it’s so windy by the coast there, you don’t realise quite how hot it is !) It was also amazing just how many other people I ‘bumped into’ that I knew, but had forgotten were also in St Andrews. Was good to get up to date with all their news !

So I was in beautiful Scotland until Friday afternoon, when I then flew to Heathrow (after a slight delay in the airport) and spent a few days at home. The Saturday was my Uncle’s wedding, the Sunday we all went out for my G’pa’s birthday. The Tuesday I went to see X-Men III with my brother – a very good film, I recommend it, but I thought it was quite sad though. Then back to Bristol on Wednesday, just in time to go to a friend’s house and then to the theatre for her birthday !

I now just feel, after all this excitement, that I want a few days of doing not much ! Yesterday I was attempting to work through my list of ‘things I need to do but will put off until after exams’ – just admin type stuff, alongside a few other things, like cooking/cleaning/playing guitar and singing (I meant to practise for only ½ an hour, but ended up staying in the union practise room for an hour and ½ !!!) Today will probably be more of the same, with CU this evening – it will be nice to go, as I haven’t been able to go for a very long time !
So…there you have it. Whether you wanted to know or not, there is a brief summary of what I’ve been up to for the last week and a bit ! Is a very strange feeling not needed to revise (I still keep feeling like I should be doing some). But it is nice that now I’m finished, I can try to do lots of things to help those who haven’t yet. I’m looking forward to all the exciting things coming up, but not so much to thinking seriously about next year…but I need some time to rest first…maybe next week ?!!

The end in sight...

Well, 5 down and one left to go tomorrow afternoon. It will be a relief when they are over, as I don't think I could carry on like this for very much longer (at the end of my own strength reserves as it is). However, when they are over, it begs the question - what now ? That is the question that I have tried to put off so much this year, but is at last going to rear it's head properly again. I struggled to work at first yesterday, since this thought caused something near panic to arise. But I did manage eventually to get it under control so that I could work (-no point in getting myself worked up, until after exams anyway, lol). Also, a walk helped - Recently I have been so concerned with staying in and not letting myself get persuaded to go out, that I think I may have gone too far in fact. I'd forgotten that I'm a person who just isn't really meant to be kept indoors.* I intended to walk to a park in clifton and revise outside for a while, but ended up just sitting there and lapping up the bird song, the sounds of everything around me, watching people go past...I'd forgotten just how much I need that to be refreshed.

Anyway...must stop rambling and get back to work. Before I do, can I just apologise to all readers for the fact that this blog has become so serious in times past. I think that probably just reflects my current moods. Also, I do intend to blog on the reason why I blog at some point, but for now can I just say that the point for these posts is in no way to gloat that I finish earlier than other people: I can't change the fact that the biochemists decided to cram everything as tightly as possible into a few shorts weeks so that we finish so much earlier than everyone else. But what I can do is try to put the time I do have to good use. I will continue to think of all those who do still have exams and revision (I know what it's like!) I will actually be away from blogging for a short while now, as the day after my last exam I am going away for a few days -to visit a good friend in St Andrews and then a long weekend at home. But I shall return, and hopefully it will be with good news of how my last exam went well ! Take care everyone.

*Although, having said that...looking out of my window at the currently heavily downpouring rain, I rather think I prefer to stay indoors just at the minute !

"My strength and my song"

Well, I didn't know that finals were going to be quite so hard. I'm now well into my week of hardcore revising and exams. Yesterday, I was re-going over everything for the exam I had this morning. But in the early evening, when I still had a bit to go through, I started feeling really rough. Because of that, in spite of wanting lots of sleep before exam, was unable to get to sleep - I think I finally managed to drop off just after midnight. Thought it might be better in the morning. But then was a bit worried this morning - although slightly better than last night, was exhausted from lack of sleep, still had a massive headache etc. and couldn't really concentrate on what I still had to go through. Was wondering how I was ever going to concentrate for 3 hours in an exam ! So I did the only thing I could do - pray. (And asked a couple of friends to pray too - though I only had limited time to send texts). Trying to focus on God rather than my throbbing head (which isn't an easy task).

The exam was 9.30-12.30 this morning. I got in there, and although the questions were horrible, managed to write some reasonable answers I think. I did manage to focus, my headache seemed to lift a bit, and I actually enjoyed answering to be honest ! The qus, although on specific units, needed info from the whole course, which was fun to try to pull together !

Seeing as I like baffling people with biochemistry, just so you get the idea, here are the exam questions I answered this morning:
1) Explain why mutations and loss of heterzygosity of the PTEN tumour suppressor gene are so prevalent in human cancers.

2) Using examples, describe at the molecular level the ways in which small GTPases act to regulate cell signalling pathways. How do the properties of these signalling proteins suit them to these roles.

3) Discuss the different strategies that proteins use in their interactions with damaged bases in DNA.

Bet you didn't understand that ! (Unless you're Ellie or another biochemist of course).

Anyway...so to sum up: I'm now 4 exams down. If I do ok in these exams it'll all be down to God: helping me and giving me the strength and concentration I need. I am now even more exhausted, among other things, but hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Ready for revising the next topics for friday. Continuing to take things one day at a time. Hope everyone's revision is going ok. :-)

"I WILL trust in You"

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace that transends all understanding will guard

your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". Philippians4:6 (NT)

"When I can't see You, I know You're there
When I can't feel You, I will not fear
I will trust in You, and I will not be afraid.

And when the battle is close at hand
I know You're with me to help me stand
I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

I will not, be afraid
I will not, be afraid.
I will trust in You, I will trust in You."
-Danny Daniels, Vineyard Music.

Devotion and Ecclesiastes.

I know with my exams coming so fast and all, I need to be really strict at saying no, and need to keep things other than revision to a minimum...and I have been, mainly, but I did agree to go to Devotion last night to help out (Youth congregation at Woodies). I'm glad I did !!! It's only the second time I've been, actually both times I've been playing keyboard. It's just so amazing. I only wish I was better at being able to say the right things, e.g. better at introducing myself to people and better at being helpful in small groups...but I do still enjoy it, I think it's maybe something I'll get better at with time, and things are made slightly easier by the devotees who I know a little bit already - thanks guys (you know who you are).

The talk that they did was quite appropriate for me too, although I hadn't expected it at all. We were looking at friendship - what true friendship is. We first looked at the example of David and Jonathan in the Old Testament (I am actually reading 1 Samuel currently, and so that helped cause I knew the passage already) and what their friendship was like. That was challenging yes, but what struck home with me more was when Dave talked about friendships being like flowers - for them to grow, you need to water them, feed them...it takes effort. But sometimes they die before they're meant to, and it's cause we haven't looked after them. Other times, they die, and actually, that's ok, cause they were only meant for a season. And other times, you think they're dead, but then they flower again the next year. Dave read out the passage in Ecclesiastes 3:

"There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace."

But HOW do you know when the right time is ? How do you know when you need to make the effort to keep a friendship alive and how do you know when the right time is to let it die, because it's only been for a season ? This has come up for me another time before, but I feel is especially relevant now. I'm on the edge of finishing my degree in Bristol. I currently have no idea what I'm doing or where I'll be next year. But how do I even know if I should stay in Bristol, or whether I should let go, because great as it has been, it has only been for a season ? And how do I know whether I should try and keep up with everyone, or whether some friendships are also for a season only ? How ? In the book of Acts in the New Testament, when the disciples ask Jesus "Lord, are you at this present time going to restore the kingdom to Israel ?", Jesus replies: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by His own authority." But that is in a rather different context, and so does it apply here too or not ? And if we aren't to know, then...?

All I currently know is that this is a time for revision and working hard at exams. But beyond that, and when they finish, I don't know. For now I will just keep on working. But any comments or thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Another one down.

Viva has been and gone. Wasn't as bad as it could have been. Prof Rivett was really nice, even if the viva was a bit intense, and she did ask me lots of things which I had to try and think quickly for. Anyway...main thing is that it's done. Now have to concentrate on finishing revising hard for next lot of exams, despite all that's going on in the next few days.

Actually, although the viva was tiring and intense, I came out of the department really happy today - mainly cause it gave me an excuse to see my supervisors and some of the other people I worked with in the lab. They're all so lovely and I do miss them ! They were all really encouraging, and trying to give me lots of advice for the exams etc.

Also, it feels really strange in a way (for me). There seem to be so many people who have such confidence in me, and such high expectations - more than personally I see in me. That includes supervisors, family, friends...I can't really think of a way to express myself, I don't mean that in a negative - oh there's too much pressure - way, but just in a - I have quite a responsibility, and even if I don't see it in myself, other people think I've been entrusted with a lot, and I want to live up to that - way. I had quite an appropriate card actually from my godparents in the states for my birthday. It said: "On your birthday, you should realize just how special you are...everyone else does". Well, for the moment, just knowing that everyone else does will have to be enough to keep me going. I'm just going to keep trying to do my best, which is all I can do, and to keep letting God be "my strength and my song".

Back in Bristol again

As the post title implies, I am now back in Bristol - again. Got back about 3 or so hours ago, and since then have been unpacking, sorting, chatting, catching up with housemates. Was good to be at home ( did have a good birthday, and did get lots of work done too) but is also good to be back, for different reasons. But I now just have to get back into the revision pace which I was getting into at home, especially as I have a viva tomorrow afternoon which I have not had time yet to do much preparation for, due to frantic revision of other things (am very slightly off revision schedule, but hopefully I can bring it back again before tomorrow). So, I shall keep this post short and go and revise apoptosis then read through my project again before food and bed. I just wanted to keep everyone posted. Hope everyone is well.

p.s. as you can see, I have recently discovered the joys of short and frequent posts (well... short and frequent for me that is!) I think it will remain that way until after exams, so that I am still present on the blogosphere a little bit, but don't have to spend very long on internet when I need to revise. I may post long rambly posts again after I finish. Or then again...by the way things are looking so far, I may not be all that less busy after exams; just I'll be doing other things !

I'm old(er)

Well, I'm now officially 21 ! (As of about 9.09am this morning). I have to say, I don't feel 21, in fact I don't feel any different from yesterday. (I think I'm actually still stuck with thinking I'm about 16 - I now have to think hard before I answer any questions from people who ask me how old I am !!) But then, I think that's probably always going to be true !

I had some time off this morning, and went shopping with Mum. Will have tonight off too, and tomorrow evening we're going to the theatre. But for just now, I have about 4 hours or so in which to get some more revision done...back to ABC transporters, woo !!

p.s. I hope everyone's enjoying the AMAZING weather !!! (Makes me wish I'd brought some of my summer skirts back home with me !)

p.p.s. I haven't opened many presents yet, but Mum, Dad and Al did get me a REALLY cool helium balloon (haven't had a helium balloon for a long time !) See the photo for yourself :-)

My housemates are amazing !

(It was maybe just as well I didn't get to go to the Louisiana gig tonight). After Vicki 'subtly lured me' downstairs at about 10, I found that they'd made me this amazing cake, and blown up lots of balloons, and got me some presents, and made me a really cool card (with a tail on it - not many people can say they have a 21st birthday card with a pink tail on it, lol.) Was so cool. Completely unexpected, but amazing. We then remained downstairs for the next few hours and they proceeded to introduce me to this programme called Lost - which a few of you may have heard about recently ;-) It's very weird...but strangely addictive too. I had resisted throughout series 1, but I may have to give in to series 2 - especially if it's going to continue being a house event, which is quite fun really. However, not really what I need during exams - another TV programme to get addicted to ! Now to get some sleep, before getting the train home tomorrow morning, so I can have another 21st birthday on my proper birthday on friday :-)

Amusing sign

This made me laugh this evening, so I thought I'd share it with you all:



I took it from this site. Some very amusing photos. In other news, my head got to the point at about 6 this evening where it felt like it was going to explode with all the information in it ! I had a couple of hours break to cook and eat supper, but I think I'll now have to stop for the day now and get some sleep and come back fresh tomorrow. Too much to learn in 2 weeks. Am going home again on wednesday for about a week which will be good.

Regressing back to childhood

Well, ok, 'useful' things will have to wait. I think I did need a break this afternoon. We had so much fun ! Went to have coffee with a couple of good friends, and we then ended up going to Brandon Hill park, and having much fun there - involved 'Pirates', bushes, racing up hills, going on swings...generally having a good laugh together. Have been out for 2 and 1/2 hours. Haven't laughed so much in a while. I'm still tired, but less so than before. And I feel more refreshed and ready to get back to it for a while.

2 down, just 4 to go...

...or 5 if you include my project viva I have at some point. As of this morning I have now completed 52% of my degree ! (Ouch). It was data handling this morning. It went slightly better than the one on wednesday (at least I am pretty confident I at least passed this one), but I still ran out of time majorly - but then again, I think very few people finished.

I now have a couple of weeks (to revise in) before my next 4 which come pretty much one after the other for a week - aren't biochemists nice ! I may go home for part of the time though, especially as my birthday is next week (21 - can't believe it !)

I am shattered though now. I feel 3 and 1/2 hours is too long for an exam - so hard to concentrate that hard for that long. It was nice though to go for lunch after with some biochemistry friends, so I only got back in about an hour ago (hence my sudden reapearance on the net). I will now sort a few things out, and then try and decide what to revise tomorrow - i.e. generally trying to do 'useful' things, but which aren't too strenuous.

And I continue my previous sentiments - do all keep me updated as to how you're all doing, and if there's stuff coming up that I can pray for.

Post-first exam thoughts...

this will have to be fairly quick, since I am in great need of sleep !

Haha. Thanks Rich and Jammin. Umm, the exam didn't really go that well - ok, it was terrible. Not something I could have done anything about with anymore revision though, it was mainly cause I seriously ran out of time. I'll be lucky if I got 40% in that one.

Still, I'm trying to forget about it now, and concentrate on revising for the next one on friday (eek). Or at least, I am now I had a good let out of emotions and some listening to 'heavy' rock music earlier (or at least heavy for me) :-) (After which I do feel a little better).

I do feel very tired now - all my limbs ache a lot, which I think always happens when I'm really tired or have put a lot of work into something...(so my mum tells me, since she gets it too). But I do feel really blessed to have so many good friends who are so concerned about how I'm doing. So THANK YOU so much to all of you, you know who you all are. I know that you all have exams and stuff and generally a lot on too, so it does mean a lot. I do really hope that you're all doing ok. (Btw, I do feel a little self-centred writing all this stuff. But if there are exams/deadlines etc coming up for other people, do let me know, and I'd love to be praying for specific things if I can.)

I will try to keep going, even though I'm not sure how I will get through - even with so many supportive people around me. It's 'only just' started, and already I want it to end, and I want to go home again...But then, I need to try and remember how I've been got through in past years when I haven't thought I'd be able to. I'm sure He'll get me through again somehow ! Night night !

Exam thoughts...

Well, first one is tomorrow. I don't feel ready in the slightest. I think it's also partly a case of disbelief - it's hard to believe that after tomorrow I'll have completed precisely 46% of my final degree. Weird huh. Isn't it so weird trying to think that after however many years it has been of education, the climax is now within the next month, after which...I'll end up with a bit of paper which will supposedly tell everyone how good I am at my subject. Hmmm. How can anyone ever be defined by a bit of paper ? On paper I might appear to be really amazing - have had almost top marks the past 2 years, amazing work experience, impressive sounding projects, done a lot in spare time...but in reality, well, the story's a lot different. I may have all that on paper, but does that really mean anything ?

I guess I'm rambling now - probably cause I'm tired. I've never seen uni as about getting a bit of paper really. I just wanna understand all this Biochemistry stuff ! (Was actually quite fun today when things started clicking into place. Only worrying thing is it doesn't seem to be staying there !) But thinking of it as above, I spose in order to try to scare myself into working harder or because I don't feel like I'm as stressed as I 'should be', just feels strange. Any other final years feel/felt the same ?

Anyway...can't do anymore now. Nothing else is going in, or has been for the last few hours. So I think some sleep is in order within the next hour. I shall perhaps give a progress report tomorrow.

(p.s. I finished Season 1 last night !!! Need to find somewhere I can buy season 2 now...)

And so it goes...

Well, brief update on what's gone on with me since Easter - I am now back in Bristol, and trying to get used to it again; projects are due in tomorrow (thankfully finished last week); exams start on wednesday, spent several hours removing a virus from a housemate's computer this afternoon (glad to have been able to help, but was certainly interesting), am very tired (due to sun waking me up ridiculously early, certain nightmares last night, and being back in Bristol - I never sleep well first night in a different place. Hopefully tonight will be better). I'm not complaining in any way, just stating facts. It's all ok though - exams will be over soon (far too soon probably). Church was good this morning - very good to see many good friends again, and a good service. Will try to be strict with amount of time spent on internet these next few weeks, so may not be around much, but I shall maybe do brief posts like this one from time to time. I hope everyone else is doing ok, and all the best to those with project deadlines and exams coming in the near future.

For sunday...

HAPPY EASTER everyone !

Life, the universe, and everything...

Well, maybe a bit of an ambitious title, but I'm not feeling very creative today (anyone else find that the title is nearly always the hardest part of a post to write ?!) And so much for possibly not posting again before Easter ! Anyway...just wanted to note down this observation:
Over the course of the time I was away, I obtained several CDs and tapes (most of which were in bargin bins at Spring Harvest, so don't worry I didn't go mad and spent very much money, as all but 2 (1 was a present for someone) of the CDs were about 50p/£1. Is just a good way at learning lots of new songs quickly for cheap I find). Anyway...back to the point...despite the fact that I bought these few CDs, I think my favourite new CD has to still be the one I got for free - the New Root's acoustic set from the Louisiana (you can listen to the tracks from Ben's website). I have now lost count of the number of times I have listened to it. I still love it ! Now, cheesy as this is going to sound - shows you the best things in life come for free; like good friends and ummm the New Root CD...Well anyway, I do think the New Root acoustic gig sounds amazing. Do go and have a listen, and I'll just hope that Ben doesn't mind me linking his site ;-)

Garfield comic strips

Hehe. On a completely different note from my earlier post: My brother just sent me a link to this site where you can create your own Garfield comic strips ! Try it, it's fun. He also created this strip below (very amusing I thought, so thought I'd share it with you all since I have a blog for this kind of thing...) Enjoy. See, I can do short posts ! :-)

"There and back again" - a Spring Harvest tale by Ro...

Yesterday afternoon I completed the full circle (or technically I spose it was a triangle) by arriving back in Reading, from where I began my journey to Spring Harvest (if you don't include my journey from home to Reading before getting a lift). It did feel a bit like I'd just completed something. Anyway...I'm rambling...

I have just had an awesome week and weekend. Last week (mon 3rd-sat 8th) I was, as I said in my last post, in Skegness at Word Aive Spring Harvest 2006. If I were to attempt to write about everything that happened last week then the blog post would become so long that even the most dedicated readers of this blog would probably give up partway through ! I can try to summarise though and mention a few specific things. I can say that I learnt loads (which will take me probably the next year to process) and had great fun. There were about 75 of us from the Bristol Christian Union, and I also had a chance to catch up with a few other people I know from elsewhere. We were (as usual) staying in flats/chalets of 6 people; I was with one of my housemates and 4 guys from Bristol cu. Our chalet was such fun - at this point I could tell many hilarious stories, including the one about the duck and chilie, or the eating peas from a bowl, or the 'exile into Babylon', but that would take too long so I will just have to leave you in suspense :-D Seriously though, it was really great to get to know some of the guys in our chalet better, and I especially appreciated chats with one in particular who I went to the morning sessions with.

Each day at Spring Harvest I went to a 'Bible reading' and then 'understanding and applying the Bible using Exodus as an example' in the morning. In the afternoon there were a range of seminars, but other than the subject related or worship leading related ones I mainly chilled in the afternoons. The evenings were time to cook and eat together before going to the student celebrations (imagine thousands of students from all over the country coming together to praise God) and then some nights I did go to hear various people playing (YFriday again, Electrolyte, Kristyn Getty, Andy Flannagan), followed by various parties/gatherings in chalets. In the student celebrations we were looking through the book of Colossians in the New Testament. In Colosse at the time there seem to have been false teachers there, saying that what they had heard wasn't all they needed to do to be Christians and to be saved, that there was all this extra stuff they needed to do too...but in this letter of Colossians Paul, the writer, was saying no, that's not true. To know God, and to be in relationship with Him, all you need is JESUS, nothing more, nothing less. Yes, things like praying are good (vital in fact), but NOT the means by which we are saved. Jesus comes first; these other things come afterwards as a response. So we were looking through this book and looking at what it means to be an authentic Christian. On a similar note actually, on the way back yesterday I happened to glance at a magazine in WH Smiths which claimed to have all you needed to know on the confusing issue of religeon in it. It compared various 'religeons', looking at when they originated and what they said concerning big issues of life. I was quite concerned over what it said about Christianity. It said, what I think is the false belief of a lot of people, that to be a Christian and 'get to heaven' you have to follow what Jesus says and do 'good things'. When in fact, that's basically what this letter to the Colossians was about - that that's not true. Being a Christian first and foremost means that you believe that in dying on the cross (at Easter in fact) and then rising from the dead 3 days later, JESUS took the punishment that EACH of us deserve, for all the wrong things we have done, and the way we want to go our own way and turn from God, our creator. That it's only through Jesus we can be 'reconciled'(1) 'reconciled'(2) to God, NOT through doing good things, and that we can then be restored to having a relationship with God ! Sorry for long rant - wasn't intended, but talking about these things again gets me excited, and saddens me so much that we so often think we know what Christianity is all about, but actually a lot of the time people don't have the amazing, exciting, full story ! Christianity is all about a person, Jesus, and being in a relationship, NOT about following a set of rules and regulations to earn your way to heaven. If anyone does want to know more about this issue, of who Jesus really is, what He did and why He did, then I'd encourage you to either come back at me (in the comments or you can post your e-mail address if you'd rather everyone else not read something too, and I can e-mail you), or take a look at this page on the website of my home church, which probably expresses it better than I just did ! Also, this site has a lot of helpful articles on specific barriers/big questions people may have, such as why does a God of love allow suffering etc...

Back to talking about Spring Harvest - after probably the biggest tangent I've had yet on my blog (though I don't regret it in the slightest!) Other things I was reminded of, apart from how exciting things are, were: how fragile life is. Now, although I may often seem pretty together as a person, I know that although I don't often admit it even to myself, I am so broken and messed up in so many area of life - so much so that it got a bit overwhelming at one point during the week. But then I was reminded that God is the God who brings healing and wholeness; that maybe it's only when I admit how broken I am, that He can start working in me to put the pieces back together. I was also reminded of just how much responsibility I've been given - with the amazing blessings I've been given, and also with being used in sung worship. That I sometimes need to step up to that, and not to just keep hiding.

As I predicted, the journeys to SH were also 'interesting'. The one back was slightly less eventful as the one up there (where we arrived about 4 hours late), but both were fun. Ask me if you would like to hear details, otherwise I will leave it as this post is going to be very long already I fear !

Then I had an absoloutely AWESOME time on sunday night at the NR gig at the Fleece in Bristol. I loved walking down with such a big group of friends for once, and just seeing everyone at the gig. (I have been given some REALLY AMAZING friends !) Much laughing was done by all, and see Ken's space for some photos of what we got up to ! I also enjoyed spending time with another of my housemates on sunday afternoon - was good to chat generally, to tell her about SH, and to try to teach her to strum on guitar !

I am now very, very tired still - after a week of not much more than 5 hours sleep a night - and have much work to do, which I'm not too keen on starting really. But it'll be ok. I just want to make sure I hold onto all the things that I learnt last week, and remember all the fun I had on sunday, so that I can work really hard in the time I have avaliable now. I shall be around the blogosphere again for a while, though I may try and not be around too much, for work's sake. I hope everyone is doing ok. Do remember to come back at me if you want about anything I've said. I shall hopefully post again soon, but in case I don't manage to before the weekend: I hope everyone has really good Easters ! xx

Next week

I have some news everyone: I’m afraid to say that I will be off the internet (e-mail checking and the blogosphere) for just over a week from tomorrow. “NOOO”, I hear you cry, (well, maybe not, but it adds dramatic effect). But do not fear, cause I will be back before long. Also, there is a rather exciting reason for my lack of internet access – I am going up to Skegness for a week. Now, lovely as I know Skegness is, I do actually have a reason for this. I’m going to Spring Harvest, which is a kind of Christian conference thing. The week I’m going for is called Word Alive, which as well as the normal Spring Harvest programme has a special student programme, which is organised mainly by UCCF. There will be Bible overviews in the morning, and Bible readings (not sure what the topics are yet this year), a range of seminars to choose from in the afternoon, student celebrations in the evenings, as well as a variety of gigs* and full use of the Butlins facilities (including amazing swimming pool). I’ve been for the past 2 years, also with people from Bristol CU. There are always quite a few of us who go, and each time has been good, for different reasons. I’m really excited about: building new friendships, deepening existing ones, and most importantly about spending time just listening to and learning from God, without all the usual busyness of life. In the past it is true that I have had various issues with UCCF and Word Alive, but I think that this year certain things are a lot clearer in my head than they were say in my first or second years at uni, and I’m just looking forward to quality time away, and seeing God doing something new, as well as continuing things He's been starting in me. I shall attempt to write a post when I get back, detailing how it all went (including what I’m sure will be memorable car trips there and back) and attempting to share the main things I learnt.

I’m also looking forward to being back in Bristol for a couple of days after Spring Harvest finishes, as I’m going to the New Root gig at the Fleece on sun 9th April. I may well also try and make it to Woodies in the morning (depending on how sleep deprived I feel after the week in Skegness) and so I may see some of you then.

But for now, I shall sign off (sniff !) And don’t write too many blog posts for me to catch up on when I get back, lol ! I must now go and pack...



* In past years I have seen YFriday, Steve, Nicki Rogers (who signed one of her albums for me), Bethany Dillon, Shawn McDonald...I wonder who I'll decide to go and see this year !

Check this out

I found these links as I was ‘rooting’ around the internet (very long story) and I thought that others might find them amusing too:

http://www.wibsite.com/wiblog/dull/
http://www.weblogcartoons.com/
http://www.cartoonchurch.com/

All 3 sites are by the same person, and the cartoons on the latter are really amusing – fairly close to the bone sometimes though. The former…well…someone other than Rob clearly also has too much time on his hands :-D

In other news: I finished my literary project today - Yaaay !!! (Well, I say finished, but I still have to send the ‘draft’ to my supervisor for comments, but…) Feels very, very good. Unfortunately doesn’t mean I can stop working though – have much other work to do.

'Worship following'

Last night I led some worship, on piano, at the small group which my mum and dad lead at our house every monday (I think it was the first time I've led on piano ?) It was an amazing evening generally and I felt so blessed to be able to share time with all these people - there's so much I can learn from all of them...Anyway, the worship...I call it worship 'following' not leading, cause that is what it did feel like. Again, every time I lead worship or play an instrument I go with the attitude that I know what I'm doing...in fact, every time I get surprised and humbled again and yesterday was a real exercise in laying down my pride again: firstly in song choice: that I needed to choose songs which would be appropriate and what would be on peoples' heart to sing to God, rather than the ones which I'd played that afternoon and come up with cool arrangments to (not that there's anything wrong with cool new arrangments, but it just wouldn't have been appropriate yesterday in that setting); then secondly in actual leading: I had to try to remain sensitive to where the time was going, and leave enough space at appropriate times (I always find that hard to try and judge), basically following what was happening, not leading as such. Although I find it a real challenge (mainly humbleness/pride/confidence isses), each time I play in worship in some form I feel so privilidged too to be able to be a part of this. And as I realised again last night, even if something is a little out of my 'comfort zone', as last night was, if being involved in the music side of worship (and even leading maybe) is somewhere God wants me to be, then who am I to try and hide from that ?! Aren't I the one who's been saying that I want to be the person God wants me to be ?!!

Anyway...one other thing...(not really related, but still on the music/worship topic): I was reading back through one of my journals last night, and found an entry I'd written on why I think I became involved in music playing in the first place: to cut a long story short, that music moves me so much sometimes, that I can't keep it in my system and have to find a way to let it out. My outlet, was to try to reproduce the music: so I'd learn to sing the song, then when I was a little older I'd also work out the chords, and would try to learn it on piano, later on guitar and now also on bass. When I listen to music I also often take it apart and try to think how I'd arrange each of the parts if I was playing it. This is why I'm not good at song writing and writing lyrics, and being creative in that sense, but within the context of a song, I am learning to be more creative with arrangments...I was wondering whether that was a common thing, as a reason for being musical I mean, or whether other people have different experiences ? i.e. why do people think that they love playing music (generally, not just in the context of worship here) ? But I would be especially interested though to hear from the other people who do have experience with playing in worship who read this blog (i.e. Ben, Rob, Matt...) Do comment cause I'd be interested to know ! (Plus it's probably a good thing to have to think about).

Adverts

I think that my family think I'm slightly odd (not that they didn't think that before, but anyway...) we were watching the Poirot on tele last night (I love Agatha Christie - not miss Marple, but I love Poirot stories)...it was on ITV, meaning that it had adverts and I was finding all the adverts really amusing ! Normally when I watch TV, I just want the breaks to go as quickly as possible so I can find out what happens next. But last night, I think I enjoyed the adverts as much as the actual programme ! I think it's what happens when you have hardly watched any TV all term. Maybe when we watch TV a lot, we just get acclimatised to it, i.e. get used to it and don't think anything of it...but when you haven't watched it for a while (like me) you start to realise how strange TV actually is sometimes, and in particular how FUNNY adverts are ! I think that's probably true of a lot of things, not just adverts, - that we get used to things and stop thinking about them, when they're around us all the time. I find myself either taking things for granted, or just becoming hardened to things...anyway, enough of strange rant and advertising how strange my mind is (but of course you all knew that already !?). On with the literary project...

Home again

I'm actually sitting writing this in my bedroom, as we now have wireless internet at home, and my dad just set stuff up to enable it on my computer too - how cool is that !!! I'm home again now (in case you hadn't worked that out) - took a while to get back, as the traffic was mental, but we did in the end. I'm also now all unpacked. I just need to try and sleep now - to catch up but I also need to try to get this illness better: I don't have time to be ill !! :-( Project writing starts again tomorrow with avengence...better go for now before my computer battery runs out !

Presentation over !!

I've been a little stressed at times over the last few days - I had a presentation for today, which I didn't start writing til monday afternoon, since I only got my practical project draft back from my supervisor on monday morning (and I was working on my literary project last week). But it went ok ! And in fact, the actual writing of things went far more smoothly than I could have expected. There were a few of us giving 10-15 minute talks on our practical projects and all of the supervisors and second markers there (so quite a few people to get into the small area where we had the talks). It was good to hear a bit about other peoples' projects, though even at this level they are so specialised that it was hard to follow some of the talks sometimes. I was so nervous though beforehand - I couldn't stop my whole body from shaking. I didn't want to let down my supervisors, and also wanted to make a good impression on my second marker (who will be giving me my viva next term) and also not to let my tutor down either (who I only discovered would be attending this afternoon !) But as I said, it was ok, and my supervisors were very happy with it - they're both so lovely and really supportive in everything.

Now however, as always when you make a big effort and then it's over, my tiredness is catching up on me. I haven't been particularly well the last few days (as seems to be common with many people at this time of term) which that hasn't been helping my concentration due to disturbed sleeping, and is also catching up on me. I also do have much more work still to be done, but I'm going to take a bit of time off now til friday (woo!) due to various things: I'm looking very much forward to LiveSoc tonight (last one with the current committee) and to going home tomorrow - ummm, just one minor problem with that...I have to pack first ! Oh well, tomorrow morning it shall have to be...

So then...all friends in Bristol, I shall see you sometime after Easter, (if not on the 9th April or at Spring Harvest) and those at home, hopefully I'll get to see some of you in the next few weeks :-)

p.s. everyone should comment on this blog here don't ask why, just do it !

Long time no post !

It has indeed been ages since my last post - feels a whole world away. I apologise profusely to anyone who reads this blog of mine (especially to those who have a thesis in this week, lol.) There are many reasons for the lack of posting:
1) Blogger WAS being annoying, for some reason, and when I did try to post would not let me, and occassionally would not let me even access the blog page (or anyone elses). Not being forward thinking enough I did not think of trying another computer.
2) Even when it did let me, I had so much I wanted to blog about, that none of it came out (if that makes any sense ?)
3) I've been/am going through a rather confusing and difficult time at the moment (mainly course work or next-year related, although not exclusively those two things), and so my thoughts are very jumbled and some things I need to try to figure out on my own before I can share them with anyone.

I also cannot promise frequent posts again as, like Rich, I have (final) exams coming very shortly, as in merely a few weeks away (I finish before most of my housemates have even started !) I also have 2 projects which need finishing. However, I shall be 'around' the blogosphere - may post here and there, when I have something worth saying or merely need a break from work, and shall comment here and on other people's blogs, if I feel I have anything to say.

Thank you all so much for commenting on the last few posts - I was very impressed with the number. It was indeed a record for this blog, but I disagree with Jammin - I don't know if you CAN have too many comments, lol. I seem to get most comments when I haven't been posting for a while, or when I mention my guitar ! Seriously though, I very much appreciated all the guitar tips, and just love having people say hi and chat. So keep it up ! (Maybe I need a deep question or just a random one to get people chatting more ? Any suggestions ?!) :-)

New guitar strings !!!!!

Today has been fun - not enough work involved, but fun. Had a house trip this afternoon to play badminton at the sports centre, then I cooked some 'turkey and cranberry' burgers for supper (took a very long time to make, but was a first for me - I'd never made burgers before).

But...most exciting of all - I put new strings on my acoustic !!!!!! I've only had the guitar just over two years now, and so this is the first time I've changed the strings by myself, (as I had a bit of help last time). It was mainly fine, apart from the fact that the top E string was being really annoying, so I had to take it off and try to restring it about 5 times before I got it to stay put. It's been just over a year since my last change of strings, which is terrible. I bought a new set at Christmas, but hadn't gotten round to putting them on. But it was getting to the point when even inexperienced me could tell that they sounded horrible, and so since (as far as I know) I'm not meant to be playing my guitar this week, I thought I'd change the strings. Is very exciting. I know they'll keep going way out of tune for a while, and will sound a little metallicy, but I think it's worth it.

Need an early night now, after a bit of TV. (Why is it always the case that the ONE day you can lie in (i.e. today), is the one day when your body decides to wake you up and make you really alert at a time before you even have to get up during the week for lectures ?) Looking forward to going to Sea Mills tomorrow though. And I am getting a lift, so shouldn't really complain about having to get up early :-)

Noooo...

the sun's come out and the snow's already starting to melt here in Bristol. Oh well, if we can't keep the snow I suppose having sun will do instead...

woooh !!! Even more snow.

And this time it's fairly heavy (or is currently), and the sky looks really grey - more snow still to come. Hope it sticks ! (I can already see that this is going to prove a great distraction to work today...)

mmmmm....pancakes...

We tried making savoury ones (filled with all sorts of things, as pictured here - tho my pancake flipping is very poor, as is also evidenced) followed by sweet ones for after. Good fun.

Now I just have to decide what (if anything) I'm gonna give up/take up for lent. In the past I have done things such as giving up watching neighbours and using the time to instead read through a Christian book/spend some time worshipping using my guitar, or reading 1 chapter of a purpose driven life each day (as there happened to be 40)...But I haven't really made much time to think about it properly this year, and I don't just want to do something for the sake of it - I want to know the purpose is for me giving/taking something up.

Magnificat

Tonight was Magnificat (which I mentionned in my earlier post) - a womens' only event at Woodies. It was 'interesting'. There was an amazing looking chocolate fountain with strawberries/grapes/marshmallows to dip in (I only had one strawberry, but still managed to make a mess). The keyboard playing was interesting - the band was really cool, but the songs we had were ones which involve a lot of chord changes, and so I found it hard to try to play well, while still watching Kate and Mel to see where the songs were going and think about the lyrics as well ! Also, I find it very difficult when I'm sposed to take more of a lead in things - i.e. me starting many of the songs etc. as I generally find that hard. But as long as it sounded ok, and helped people to worship, that's what matters.

We also got to play with playdoh, the results of which can be seen in the picture below (bear in mind that this is the first time I have ever used playdoh, and that my sculpting skills have a lot to be desired).



Basically we had to make something which represented us - like a baby/child or something else which represents us. I went for the child thing, since I couldn't think what else to make. Then we had some music play, and took some time to think about the fact that God had made us, created us, that we were unique, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made", that we were all planned - none of us occurred by accident. I found the rest of the evening quite hard, since 1) I was concentrating on playing some of the time and 2) the whole topic of identity is a hard one for me, so I was very tempted to just kinda switch off and let it all just brush over me as I found it too hard to accept. But this playdoh thing, despite not being a great fan normally, I really liked. Somehow when you actually hold something, it sometimes makes more of an impression than just thinking about something. And while I have a long way to go in terms of learning to understand and accept who I am, I was reminded of the words to this song (which we actually sang tonight):

"Into Your hands, I commit again

with all I am for You Lord

And You hold my world, in the palm of Your hands

and I am Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You

Jesus I belong to You

You're the reason that I live,

the reason that I sing,

with all I am

I walk with You wherever You go

through tears and joy

I'll trust in You

And I will live, in all of Your ways

Your promises forever."

-->Is what gave me the inspiration for the photo. Was just amazing, holding that model of me in my hands, and thinking that actually, God is doing that with me - holding me in His hands. Amazing.

1) Home and 2) worship.

It's been a while (again). Too many thoughts. I'll just clarify from my last post first - in case anyone was wondering what the cbox is: if you scroll a little way down the page, past the links but before the archive, you will find a 'comment box' (thanks Roberto). You can write comments in it - please do !

That done, I shall now ramble a bit about the topics in the title - being at home, and what worship is.

I've been at home for the weekend and just came back late yesterday evening. It meant I haven't gotten much work done between thursday evening and sunday evening, but it was worth it. I loved being at home SO MUCH !!! It almost feels like when I'm away from home I have both my legs and an arm chopped off; which means (understandably) I 'feel a little lopsided' but don't until I get back home realise the reason for this. Now that may be a slightly extreme analogy, but it is how I feel. We've always done everything together as a family - gone on holiday together, sung in the church carol service as a family, eat meals as a family...etc etc and so I suppose that obviously that has knock-on effects for both me and them when I'm away from home. Despite the feelings of frustration I have occassionally had about 'not being able to do some of the things other people do', when I actually think, well what would I rather do than spend time with my family, I don't have an answer. (I suppose that's true about a lot of things: that we take things for granted, until we suddenly don't have them any more, when we realise quite what we have. In the same way, being away from home at uni has made me appreciate more just how much my family mean to me.) I'm so grateful for such an amazing family. I love them all to bits (well, not literally, but you get the idea). I just loved being with mum, dad and my brother this weekend. My brother and I also had some good guitar playing sessions, and it was reassuring/unburdening to chat with mum (and dad too to a slightly lesser extent) about next year stuff - I don't feel any more sorted, or any closer to a decision, but it felt good to be able to talk through things and get a bit more perspective. That's another thing my family do - help keep my feet grounded when I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

It felt a little strange coming back last night - when I'm at home, it always seems like that's the reality, and actually uni is just a dream or something, hence feeling strange coming back. But I just now need to hold on to some of that perspective that I gained from being at home, and try to get on with doing work (as I have SO, SO, SO much to do !)

Another thing which was challenging, yet encouraging at the same time, was the topic of the sermon at church at home on sunday. We were looking at the whole area of living a life of worship (Romans 12:1 stuff) - see there was a link between the two topics ! Overview of the talk, in 3 points (as all good sermons seem to be):
1) Our INSPIRATION for worship - God's character
"...in view of God's mercies..."
2) Our MOTIVATION for worship - living to please God
"...pleasing to God..."
3) DEDICATION - our lives
"offer your bodies as living sacrifices"

Worship isn't just about singing some songs on a sunday at church. "our worship only glorifies God in as much as it reflects lives that honour Him the rest of the week". A cool analogy was that coming to church is a bit like the 'half-time pep talk'. The real game goes on during the week. That you wouldn't hear David Beckham saying "Well, we lost the game. We played really rubbishly. But the half-time talk was AMAZING. We were really going for it, and all ready..."

Being involved in worship bands (by God's initiative, not mine) I have read numerous books on the subject of worship, been to conferences, and heard these things a dozen times. The challenge is, not to let them be things I hear again and think "oh, I know all this already" - when in fact, do I ? For a couple of years now I have felt that God really wants me to get to grips with this stuff, as if He's gonna use me in worship, He wants me to understand what it is, and to be able to be a lead worshipper, not just a worship leader. And last year I was really fired up about these things (Jammin may remember a certain conversation we had at the beginning of the summer term last year), but have somehow become consumed by other things. It was good to have a reminder that not only is praying, Bible reading, and going to church (all good things mind) worshipping God, but so is every little part of my life, if I involve God in it and do it for Him. If I really know this, it'll mean that I'll be so much harder working at everything I do - from cleaning our house bathrooms to doing my uni work - cause I know I'm doing it for Him ! The lyrics from this song we sang yesterday keep going round in my head, so i'll share them with you and hope that it encourages you too - it's a fairly new song (I think) by Tim Hughes, which is on just that topic.

"God in my living

There in my breathing

God in my waking

God in my sleeping

God in my resting

There in my working

God in my thinking

God in my speaking

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

God in my hoping

There in my dreaming

God in my watching

God in my waiting

God in my laughing

There in my weeping

God in my hurting

God in my healing

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

Be my everything

Christ in me, Christ in me,

Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything.

Christ in me, Christ in me,
Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything."

-Tim Hughes

Having said all of that, I had now better go and clean the bathrooms and then do some more work before I head out in a couple of hours (I'm playing keyboard at Magnificat - the termly all- womens' event at Woodies - and so need to be there early.) I apologise for the length of this post, and the way it's so jumbled - well done if you've made it this far. I shall try not to leave it so long again...though I probably said that last time, lol !

CBox...

I now also have a CBox (sorry for being a 'copycat' Roberto !) I think they're cool, and maybe it'll encourage people to write on my blog a bit more, as it's easier to write something in that than going through having to write a comment (though of course that's no excuse not to comment too !) Also, sometimes when I'm writing a comment on a blog, I feel like it has to be vaguely related to their blog post. With a CBox comment, we can chat about anything people want to chat about. So get typing !

I shall see how it goes, and whether I like it or not. Depending on that, it may stay or it may only be temporary - so post everyone !!! Otherwise, it'll just look like I talk to myself ! Lol. Also, any suggestions welcome, as always e.g. let me know if you think it should be higher up in the sidebar, or lower down, or...etc

p.s. And you'll be glad to know that although I was cooking again this lunchtime, I didn't start a fire of any kind this time !!

Be the centre !!

"Jesus, be the centre;
Be my source, be my light, Jesus.

Jesus, be the centre;
Be my hope, be my song, Jesus.

Be the fire, in my heart.
Be the wind, in these sails.
Be the reason, that I live,
Jesus, Jesus.

Jesus, be my vision;
Be my path, be my guide, Jesus !!!!!"
-Vineyard Music

Realised this morning that that's what I need - I need Jesus to come and be the centre of my WHOLE LIFE again, rather than what I'd been doing - trying to do everything by myself, and then 'tagging Him on at the end of things'.

Superman

Wow. 3 posts in 1 day - is that a record ?

Watched more Superman tonight while eating supper. I realised, that I think one of the reasons why I liked/like "The New Adventures of Superman" so much, is because I identify with the characters so much. In a weird kind of way (ignoring the male/female thing - please no rude comments) I feel like I'm a mixture (character-wise) of Clark and Lois as they're portrayed in the series, and so I like seeing how they deal with situations, and how they change through the series.

Lois - at one point during the very first episode she says to Clark that sometimes she does things, like 'jumping in the pool without checking the water level', but that that's the only way she knows how. Like her, I often feel that that's how I try to deal with things (kinda following on from the previous post). I plunge straight in. I also, like her, make myself so busy. I can seem fine, like I'm sorted and really confident, on the outside, but on the inside, I'm really insecure and when it comes down to it, I'm learning that I have trouble trusting people, like Lois does, although for me I'm not sure where this has come from - for Lois, it is because she has been hurt in the past by people she trusted, but that's not true for me, that I know of. This 'trusting people' thing especially applies when it comes to trusting God (tho praps with other people too a bit), perhaps because with God the things are quite big which He asks me to trust Him with (especially an issue at the current moment, tho I won't go into details). Even though I've seen what He has done in the past - for me, and for other people, I still seem to struggle with this.

Clark - like him, I sometimes feel like I don't belong/don't fit in. Now I'd be ok with this if it was just that being a Christian meant that I was different from other people around me, because of what I was living for and Jesus being in me. But I often feel that this isn't the case, and my 'not fitting in' comes from something else. I've always felt like this. (Kinda silly really, when, as I've come to notice, I specifically but sub-consciously go out of my way to do things differently from other people, and then feel hurt when I'm not the same as them - I know, my mind is weird huh !) Also, the whole being naive thing. I do sometimes feel like Clark does in terms of being naive to what's actually going on in the world. And the, ' wanting to do good, but struggling with issues which arise'.

Other things too, and I'm not very good at explaining, but I've tried and I hope you understand what I've been trying to say. At this point of course, I will just get told that I overanalyse TV/films far too much. I do actually do it all the time. And I think that's possibly what defines a 'good film' for me - one which provokes me to think in this way. But I can't help it. It's who I am. At least I now have a blog I can share all these 'weird and wonderful' thoughts of mine on :-)

Ooops - the paradox of blogging

Ooops. Just realised I'd said that wouldn't be a mega post, but it then was. Funny how you can think you have nothing to say, but then you still manage to go on for ages in a post anyway - or maybe that's just me ?

You may have noticed, that often my way of dealing with things is to brush over them, and make light of things on the outside (not always, but often). Maybe that's why all my most recent posts have felt really 'bouncy', and not serious.

Anyway...really must go and work now ! :-)

It's been a while...

This won't be a mega long post (I hope), but I just wanted to give a 'quick' update seeing as it's now been almost a week since my last post !! (*Shock horror* !)

This has been an interesting week; full of lots of ups and downs - very high ups, and very low downs. A couple of highlights of the highs - dinner at a friend's house on wednesday. Hadn't seen them for a very long time. About 10 of us eating together in the end. Much fun was had by all and we kept ourselves amused for quite a long time with various riddles (most of which I hadn't heard before, but gave up on too easily - as I'm prone to doing.) Thursday - went out to Zero Degrees for another friend's birthday (why do so many people have birthdays on the 17th or 18th Feb - I now know 7 people who have birthdays over these 2 days !!!) Was very fun too - much photo taking on digital cameras involved. Also, getting very excited about having a couple of friends over for dinner next week !!!!
Lows - tuesday was about the lowest. Possibly partly the 'trying to get back into doing work' after having had a weekend of not working and a hectic week the week before, and hence being overwhelmed again. I felt a bit better after a long chat with a good friend when I got back from pastorate, (MSN is very helpful sometimes). I'm also now looking much forward to going to church tomorrow - I think I need a bit of a prod, cause that's another thing which has 'gone down the shute' (shoot ?) this week - quiet times and general Bible reading/praying...Think that's probably also one of the main reasons why I've felt so terrible at times this week. When I try to do everything by myself, I just get things so out of perspective. And it's such a downward spiral isn't it !!

Last night was fun - supper, then practised juggling with a housemate for a while (very good exercise surprisingly) and then stayed up rather too late watching part of the new DVD I bought yesterday: You're entitled to think I'm very sad if you like, but that won't change the fact that I'm really excited ! I bought the whole of season 1 of "The New Adventures of Superman" on DVD !!!!! It's 6 DVDs really, and 21 episodes ! I've seen them all before of course, but I watched the first 2 episodes last night, and I hadn't seen them for aaaaaaages !! Awesome.

Anyway...that probably wasn't very interesting for anyone and I probably shouldn't have admitted that last bit on the web for everyone to see, but nevermind. It's done now :-) I should get back to a bit more work - I'm trying to make the most of the weekend now, after not being able to go home as was originally planned. I have been working - honest - but it just seems to take sooo long !!! Apoptosis is so complicated and MS word is so frustrating !

Remind me never to cook again !!!!

Oh dear ! I knew there was a reason that I shouldn't be let loose in a kitchen ever ! Tonight was my cooking night again, but despite the fact that what I was cooking SHOULD have been easy, not only did I manage to get very stressed about it, I also managed to 1) set the fire alarm off (again - I seem to have become an expert in this) and 2) set fire to the oven gloves - now I didn't notice this fact, until I had put the oven gloves back on the table and then observed that there were now flames rising. I then proceeded to do what you should NOT do when you set fire to something, which was to panic. Eventually I managed to get enough of my brain operating to realise that I should try and put it out before it set anything else alight, and so proceeded to smother the flames with a towel. We now have black marks on our table, floor and the oven gloves. However, after this episode I did manage to eventually produce an eatable meal.

Now quite tired...but a good week.

The week of events last week I think went well, from what I could tell. The talks were packed out (and no, it wasn't just with CU people). I certainly found the talks helpful, and I'm glad that some of my friends did come along to various things and were challenged by what they heard.

Personally, I was particularly challenged by the talk on thursday night: "What's the point of life". Whether, is the point of my life perishable ? What is it that I'm currently living for ? I find it so easy to think that's sorted, and that of course I'm living for the right thing, but when it comes down to it, and I look at where it is I spend my time and energy, am I really ? In John's gospel in the Bible, Jesus says:

"You shouldn't be so concerned about PERISHABLE things like food. SPEND YOUR ENERGY SEEKING the ETERNAL LIFE that I, the Son of Man can give you. For God the father has sent me for that very purpose". John 6:27 (capitals mine)

That when it comes down to it, we all try to look in the wrong places to be satisfied - whether that's to music, making ourselves busy, our work, being on some committee, alcohol, relationships... and although relationships with other people are good, only one relationship - one which we were created for with our creator - will ultimately satisfy us and will not perish. Hmmmm.

Anyway, if anyone does want to listen to the talks, they should be being put up on the web on the Bristol CU website fairly soon (hopefully in the next couple of days if not today). Do have a listen.

I've also had a good weekend with another friend from home staying with me. I'm not very good at just being, and chilling/chatting etc. I seem to always feel like I should be doing something. But I think it probably is good for me to chill a bit sometimes. Reminds me of what is really important. We did have fun - we went to a great New Root gig together on saturday, among various other things, and it was good to spend lots of time together. I just now need to try to do some proper work this week, after not having done as much as I would have liked to last week...

Timetable of talks this week.

Here's a timetable of the talks which are going on this week, that I mentionned previously. Do come along to any of them. (Lunchtime talks in Wills Memorial building, with free lunch; evening talks in the Avon Gorge room in the Union, with refreshments and live music provided afterwards.)

MONDAY:
lunchtime - "What does Jesus know about sex?"
evening - "Does God love the good man ?"

TUESDAY:
lunchtime - "The arrogance of Christianity"
evening - "Does God love the bad girl ?"

WEDNESDAY:
lunchtime - "Why all Christians deserve to go to hell"
evening - "Will God cry when I die ?"

THURSDAY:
lunchtime - "Why does God let us suffer ?"
evening - "What's the point of life ?"

FRIDAY:
lunchtime - "If I'm a good person, will I got to heaven ?"
evening - "What would it take for you to believe ?"

Well, my excitement wasn't disappointed.

My essay was done (although not wonderfully) and handed in, and thankfully I can say that my nightmare didn't come true ! I did make it to the weekend away.

We got back this afternoon about 3.15ish. I had an amazing weekend. It started with a few of us going to devotion on friday evening (youth congregation at Woodies) to help lead worship. It was so amazing to be there, to meet lots of new people and have good chats, to play a fun game of hockey (involving rolls of newspaper), but mostly, just amazing to see those at devotion and...I don't know how to express this really...but, just to see how passionnate they are in pursuing God (I think that's a good way of describing it). There is so much I could learn from all of them, and so much I did learn on friday night. They were grateful for having a 'team of students' come to lead the worship, but really, it is us who should be grateful, for them letting us come and share the evening with them !!

We then headed to the weekend away, and didn't get lost (much) thankfully. We got there just in time for the name game (which was very funny). Overall, the weekend was just amazing. Really good to spend time wth people, building community a big more, and I was given lots of encouraging things, as well as challenges, - some from the talks, but mainly from other people e.g. when they were praying for me. Also, unlike some other weekends away where it has felt really sad when people disperse after getting back at the end, I just felt really peaceful, and like I was now slightly more ready to face the next onslaught. I just want to try and hang onto that feeling of peace, and the focus I gained from the weekend, for this coming week, which otherwise I could turn into just a load of busyness.

If I had to give an example of one more general thing which was challenging from the weekend, I would probably mention the whole "kingdom identity" thing: about how, when everything is stripped away, what is my identity ? Am I Ro the musician, Ro the "sometimes worship leader", Ro the biochemist, Ro who lives in my particular house with my housemates in Bristol, Ro who is part of the family I'm part of...or am I Ro the child of God ? What is it that my identity is in at the moment. And how can I be working with God to change that identity to "Ro a child of God" ? Cause that is what my identity REALLY IS. It's not that I did anything to gain this new identity, but that I have been given it because of Jesus. It is my new identity. So it's not, how can I force my identity to that, but how can I change the way I see who I am, to being what it really is (if that makes sense ?) And how can I learn more to be secure in the knowledge of that identity, so that whatever happens, I will be still confident because I know who I am ?

So yes, very good weekend.

Excited !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know: more exclamation marks in the title; but I can't help it. I am excited !

I should first say probably that the talk on tuesday (which I mentionned in the two previous posts) seemed to go well. Professor Halestrap spoke really well, the practicalities seemed to go fine, and lots of people came - in fact, a friend of mine had said beforehand that the ideal thing would be to have a packed room, but not so many people that we ran out of food; which is pretty well exactly what happened ! I was really excited by the turn out, and in particular that so many people I knew came, and were given lots to think about. I think that I've been getting into the rut of expecting this year to be like the last 2 years - in the past I've had so much frustration when I've invited people along to talks like this, but noone's come. But God's been starting to shake me out of that familiarity, and show me that actually, people are receptive to coming along to these kind of talks. I just need to keep inviting people, and that's all I can do.

That leads me on nicely to mentionning the talks which are being put on next week (every lunchtime, monday-friday, in Wills Memorial and every evening, monday-friday, in the Bristol Student Union). I will put a "timetable" of what talk is each day up on sunday probably. Do think about coming along, even if I haven't been able to invite you personally - there are just some massive questions which we all need to make sure we look into, like: what's the point of life (is there one?), who am I, and who is Jesus - He makes some big claims, which should deserve at least looking into. Sorry for pressing the point rather, but I am just excited about the opportunities we (in Bristol) have next week of being able to investigate these questions further, and why should I not use every means at my disposal (which includes my blog) for publicising that ?

Anyway...I am also very excited about the Woodies Student weekend away which is this weekend !! (That is, as long as the nightmare I had last night doesn't come true - of me forgetting to go until too late !) Each one I have been on since I have been in Bristol has been so different, but all really good in their own ways. I am hoping that this weekend will be a good chance to "be still" before the busyness of next week, and a good chance to get to know some of the other students at Woodies even better. I'm also excited about the topic we're looking at, of being "Kingdom People" (i.e. what it means to be living in the Kingdom of God).

But unfortunately, before that I have an essay which must be written - it's for monday, but I want to finish it today so that I'm not worrying about it all weekend ! So please excuse me while I go and see how much of my revision of phosphoinositide signalling I remember. I shall blog again soon :-)

Randomness

Oh dear. And I was planning an early night tonight ! I love my housemates and house for this year ! Our house is so random and fun - where else could you randomly meet your housemates on the top floor landing and then procede to have a conversation, which lasts about half an hour, on the subject of what you would do if your eyes suddenly popped out ?!! And that's not the only random conversation we've had in the last few days ! There was also something involving Las Vegas...


Other news: it was my turn to cook again tonight, and I so decided to branch out - I did my first stir fry ! It was surprisingly nice actually, although I did somehow manage to use up rather a lot of pans/chopping boards/cutlery etc. in the process of cooking it - not quite sure how.

Oh, and I managed to recruit two more of my housemates to join the facebook over the weekend ! Now 4/5 of us are on there, although I do feel a little bad for encouraging other people to 'waste' so much time on the internet.

Anyway, really must go to bed, after having shared those random thoughts, which you probably didn't really want to know about anyway... :-) I hope that people have had good days which were mondays...and don't forget the 'science and God' talk tomorrow (see previous post). Would be great to have people come along. Night night ! zzzzzzzzzz

Grrrr...computers and another event plug

Before I mention why I am currently fed-up with computers, I shall first plug an event (since I am knee deep now in internet sites, I may as well use them for telling people about events ?) :

Anyway...(for people in Bristol)...there is a talk this coming tuesday (31st Jan) at lunchtime (1-2). Professor Halestrap, one of the professors from the biochemistry department (very good lecturer and also my literary project supervisor) is speaking on "Science and God, a contradiction in terms ?" It's going to be held in a seminar room in the chemistry department (there will be people directing on the day) and there'll be a free baguette lunch. So...do come along !!! It's an interesting topic - one which always has much controversy surrounding it (but especially at the moment in light of recent television shows and magazine articles) and one which scientists and non-scientists alike should be thinking about.

This event is part of the run-up to a week of events which the Bristol Christian Union are putting on from 6th-10th Feb, when there will be talks on many different subjects, inviting people to consider the issues surrounding Christianity and to find out more about who Jesus really is. I shall plug these more in due course I think, but do be thinking about whether you could/would like to come along to a talk that week. Ask me if you'd like more details (before I post again and if I don't manage to speak to you in person.)

Well then, plug over, I shall move onto (and finish on) the topic of computers...why is it, that the one day you have no lectures (yesterday) and so decide you will spend a whole day of working really hard, is the one day when your computer decides to play up ? (Mr Sod has a lot of things to account for in this life, lol.) My computer keeps needing to run disk scans before it can boot up, and then yesterday, even when I did manage to get it to boot up, it then proceeded to crash every time I attempted to open "My computer", or "Search for files", or in fact, pretty much anything. It also sent me a whole load of error messages. The problem isn't fixed I don't think - as yet. I did however manage to make my computer respond enough for me to do some work, but it was just annoying as it meant that a good proportion of my "work time" was eaten up with just trying to make my computer respond to me and trying to then run virus scans - Another example, I think, which shows how dependent I have become on computers for everything ! (I feel a post coming on...sometime soon anyway...)

p.s.

p.s. I have just noticed how odd that looks ! It looks from my last post as if I'm going to go to sleep at 5.51 pm ! I wish I could have, but seriously...this blog is very annoying the way the time it says is when you started the post, not finished it - so if (as I often do) you start writing a post, save it as a draft, go away and come back, you find yourself saying silly things like going to bed soon at what looks like 5.51 ! I am going to bed at 10.00pm. Just thought I'd clarify.

p.p.s. I've also just noticed how repetitive my post titles are - they all seem to end in either exclamation marks ! or ... I shall TRY to be more adventurous, but how else does one express emotion over the internet unless using exclamation marks and smileys ? Maybe I do use them too much ? Oh well. :-D

"Good friends..."

My last few days have been really, really cool. I had Charly, a good friend from home, come to stay with me (monday til today). I love having friends come to stay ! We had so much fun together and I discovered even more places in Bristol that I didn't know before !

Monday we went to LiveSoc in the evening, where (as I said in my last post and comment on last post) I played a short 4-song set. I didn't feel the set went amazingly (I did give it my all, but I was just too nervous really and so my voice was really, really shakey) but I think people enjoyed the songs all the same, which is the main thing. I was really glad to be able to see some LiveSoc people again, and that a couple of friends from church were able to come too - all of whom I introduced Charly to. We did all enjoy the evening. Tuesday we then did "the other side of music", (classical as opposed to acoustic/rock/pop) and went to Evensong down in Bristol Cathedral - which was a first for me, but I did enjoy it. I enjoyed the quiet, reflectiveness, and prayerfulness of the service, especially after having had a busy day of lectures ! We then visited another friend from home, who's at Uni in Bristol, and got to see his 12-person house !! We did various other things throughout Charly's stay, including visits to several eating places and coffee shops, oh and discovered the "Shoe tree" (as we so named it) - if any of you are ever down by Bristol Cathedral you'll see what I mean ! We had a great time, and it felt really odd when she had to leave earlier this afternoon :-(

I had fun for the rest of the afternoon, since Charly left, wading through e-mails and catching up with peoples' blogs (amazing how much builds up even when you're not online for just a few days ! Probably shows how dependent I have become on the internet, but that would be a whole new blog topic). Also means I don't have an excuse anymore for not working - I need to work hard the rest of this week to catch-up, but I wouldn't have had it any other way :-)

I think I now need some sleep slightly desperately (- I'm really tired tonight even though we didn't stay up tooooo late this week!) And tomorrow is another day; I shall deal with it when it arises.

"You call me beautiful"

Well, it's been a while ! And again, as last time, (I think it's to do with the fact that uni has started up again - although I can't believe that it's only been a week !) my thoughts have been moving too fast, and so I have failed to blog about many things that I intended to. So, I will comment further on point 1 from my last post, plus a couple of other things, and then (before I start rambling too much) I shall leave you with a song by Ginny Owens, the words of which have really struck me recently, for you to ponder on.
(Btw, I'm starting to like this "bullet-point thing" - it helps me order my thoughts, plus probably makes it easier for you all to read than my standard, long rambles !)

So: 1) remember when I said last time that when I was feeling down, I was faced by the choice to "lie" and say I was fine, or to "be honest" and say I'm not ? Well, I actually don't think the telling everyone I'm feeling rubbish is being honest either and isn't helpful: So often I just get things out of perspective so badly. In fact, I do have so much in my life to be grateful for, and my rollercoastering emotions aren't really an accurate indication of how things are going.

Other things:
2) I have now started an HTML tutorial, which is proving really interesting ! At the moment it's just giving me basic grasp of the concepts used, but hopefully eventually I'll learn something to help me as I fiddle with blog and MySpace pages. - Don't expect too much though, yet !

3) If anyone is interested, tomorrow night in the Bristol Student's Union LiveSoc (The Live Music Society) is going to be having their fortnightly "open Mic Night" (in which I'm playing a short set). It's always a really good time, fairly chilled with some good music ! It's in AR2 from 8 onwards (til bout 10.30/11ish). Sorry for the plug - but then it would be good to see people there, and I'm never very good at telling people about things. Plus I spose it's allowed for me to plug shamelessly on my own site ?

4) The song I promised you:
Do take some time to read through the lyrics. No pun intended, but the lyrics are beautiful, and even better - true !

"I've been waiting
For a hero who's brave and strong-
Someone to love me,
Someone to tell me I belong,
So I pretend I'm satisfied,
And I stand watching from the sidelines,
Till You pull me into the light
And say, "It's Your turn now,
Welcome to your life!"

(Chorus)
And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys to unlock my soul
Oh You call me beautiful

There's a smile on my face,
And a brand new light in my eyes,
It's a new day,
And I've never felt so alive-
I feel as if I could conquer anything,
Oh thats what Your love has done for me,
And now all I want to be,
Is everything You want me to be-

(Chorus)
And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys To unlock my soul,
But I didn't know-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know You call me beautiful

(Bridge)
The story is better than I could dream after all,
Now this is reality
To know You and to hear You call me beautiful
Call me beautiful-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know-
Now that I know
You call me beautiful"
-"You Call Me Beautiful"
song by Ginny Owens

Stuff

Well, again, this is the problem with not posting often enough - I find I think up stuff I want to say in a post, then I don't write it - saying I will later - then think up even more stuff to say, and so end up saying none of it ! So it goes in the world of Ro's blog. This shall therefore be a short post (for me that is, lol!) which is not very exciting and containing none of the things which I originally intended to blog about, in true Ro Rambling style:

1) Life at uni is hard. It's a shock being thrown back in at the deep end again - you'd think after 7 terms of this I'd be used to the going in and out by now ! But no, it feels completely different each time. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed atm, work and other stuff. In consequence, I feel really bad, cause on the one hand, when people ask me how I am, if I say - "I'm fine thanks", I'm not really telling the truth and so end up feeling rubbish. But , if I say "I'm not great", then I have to precede to say why, which is long and complicated, and also makes me feel rubbish because it makes me feel like I'm dumping on people, as I always feel I do at Uni. Also, sometimes there's nothing I'd like more than to tell people how I'm really feeling, that is, if I actually knew how to express it in words - it can get very frustrating to say the least. So I therefore tend to go for a middling option, trying to making light of things, of "I'm not wonderful, but it'll be ok. Moving swiftly on, how are you ?" But yes, things will be fine really. I just really need to stop pretending that problems just go away if you ignore them !! I can't believe how stressed I am already - and I was supposed to not be getting stressed this term !

2) I have made a new addition to the sidebar of this blog, as you will see - it's not until I added it, that I realised actually how many quotes I have which I like ! So, I may rotate them quite frequently. The quote doesn't look entirely how I want it to, but until I make time to go through a proper HTML tutorial, it will stay that way unfortunately. If there are any suggestions of quotes, comment and they will be considered !

3) I have also added my MySpace page as a link. This is a fairly recent addition to my online profile pages (now number 3 I think in total) and so it is not wildly exciting. I made it mainly so I can chat to friends online on it, so if anyone does also have a MySpace page, then tell me and I'll add you.

Well, exciting as that has been, I think I must go and sleep - I could blog on many other things, but I do want to be able to follow my 9 lecture tomorrow morning ! So, farewell for now.

Well, I'm back in Bristol...

and feeling very mixed about it. I haven't for a long while felt so many conflicting emotions within the space of 14 hours. I have felt: fear, anger, bitterness, sadness, and just felt generally overwhelmed. Yet, also I have not laughed as hard as I did a couple of hours ago for a good while, and also a good deal of joy at seeing some good friends again after not having seen them for a few weeks, (even if I couldn't speak properly !). So, an odd mixture really.

Well, a slightly different topic (the problem with not blogging for a while): the evening service tonight. For those who don't have a clue what I'm going on about, I refer to the first of the "3rd sunday" special "high-impact" services at Woodies. It seems to be kinda like a replacement for the termly guest services, to which we can invite friends. The series for the rest of this year is on "Believe it or not". I would describe tonight as, well, interesting. One comment I heard of "an adult version of the mix" seems quite a good way of summing it up. It's really hard for me to comment as to how I personally thought it went overall, as I wasn't tonight perhaps in the best place for that (no, not seating wise, I mean emotionally wise). But generally, I think it's a good idea, but I think, as with anything new, it will take people a while to get used to and catch hold of the vision for, and we also all need to reflect on and chat about how we felt things went, to between us build up a picture of how it went and to see if there are things which need work for next time.

I think it's good to do things differently sometimes. The lighting and powerpoint presentations I thought were good, and I especially liked the way Philip Jinadu read the passage tonight !! I liked the way there were various things you could do at the end as 'alternative worship' e.g. writing prayers on a big sheet of black paper etc. The music being quite so loud may put some people off, but I thought the band sounded really good tonight. One thing I did find unhelpful, was the way in which they overlayed the words to the songs onto live images of the band - personally I found it a bit distracting (not because I don't like seeing the band, but just because me being kindof musical, sometimes, I have enough problems trying to keep my mind focused on God rather than what riff the bassist is playing next as it is !) but I know that some other people I spoke to really liked it. Philip Jinadu spoke really well, and although I was a bit tired, I was really awake for his talk - bits of it really resonated with me. I know that's all a bit vague, but it is late, and I'm tired. Maybe I'll blog on the topic again once I've had a bit more time to reflect (and sleep !)

One last thing before I do go and get some sleep, on my original topic for this post: During the service tonight I was again reminded of the passage I mentionned before, in Acts. I'm going to write it out this time:

"From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would SEEK Him and perhaps REACH OUT for Him and FIND Him, though HE IS NOT FAR FROM EACH ONE OF US. For in Him we live and move and have our being." Acts17:26-28

Even in the midst of all those people tonight, I found myself feeling very alone - partly a consequence of the quick transition from home, where I'm constantly surrounded by people, to Bristol, where well, even when I am with people, I still feel more independent, but partly I think also a good trick of the enemy (cause we are all in a spiritual battle, whether we know/admit it or not). Cause I AM NOT ALONE. I have to keep reminding myself of that fact (and in fact, that's why I looked up this passage again during the service tonight). Even when I'm feeling far from home and family, not only do I, amazingly, have some really good friends around me, who do care about me, but I also have an amazing God who loves me (amazingly) and watches over me, and says He'll NEVER leave me alone (cf Psalm 139). How amazing is that !!! If knowing that doesn't comfort me, then what will ?!!!!!

First post of 2006 !

Well, I know it's been a while, but let me wish everyone a belated HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! Welcome to 2006 ! I hope that everyone had a good Christmas and enjoyed celebrating the new year.

At the start of a new year, I always try and take the time to reflect on how the past year has been, and where things are going for the next year - I don't ever manage to make enough time as I should or I'd like, just because everything is so busy, and it does feel weird trying to think over a year in terms of date (since being at Uni i tend to think of everything in terms of academic year!) But it is a useful thing to do.

2005 has been, or I spose was, quite a year ! I won't go into specifics here, but suffice to say that I feel like a lot has happened and just know that 2005 was a big year for me in many respects. And 2006...well...I have to say I'm scared stiff about what's coming - about this next term (for many reasons) and then what I should be doing after this year finishes (as I should have been applying for things already). But I just need to remember that whatever is coming, I don't have to face it alone. (Over this holiday, ever since I was directed there by a friend, I have found certain verses in the Bible really helpful to me - Acts17:24-28, especially 27-28. If you have a Bible you may want to check them out.)

At the start of each new year I am reminded of a sunrise. I have always loved sunrises - as well as being very beautiful, to me they always symbolise a fresh start, a new day (or in this case year). I want to live this year yes being mindful of the past, but at the same time pressing on into what God has in store for this year !

Anyway, I should be getting on with things - amazing how you can spend weeks in the holidays feeling very busy but then at the end of the day you don't quite know what you were busy with or where the time has gone ! (Is that a common experience or is it just me ?) I will blog again when I have something worth blogging about. Til then, enjoy 2006 !